fantasy-adventure logline

[pzeidman]

A selfish teenager has until sunrise to rescue his devoted little sister from the fantastic place where dreams and nightmares REALLY come from, or else they'll be trapped there forever.

After many attempts, this is what I've come up with. I like it as is, but have also gotten suggestions about including the antagonist. She's the woman in charge of delivering nightmares to kids, but that's only part of the story.

Being able to read the script would probably also help give you a better idea of how to put this logline together.

[clayjs]

Welcome, pzeidman.

I like the idea and I can imagine it being well executed, but I have to agree that there is something missing from the logline. If you don't think it's appropriate to include the antagonist, I think it's probably a good idea to at least give an impression of what the teenager has to accomplish to rescue his sister. Like, for example, in Labyrinth, the girl has to find her way through a treacherous maze.

Also, since you make it clear that the teenager is selfish, I think it gives you better character stakes if only the little sister will be stuck in nightmare-land forever, rather than both of them. That way he has to do something selfLESS to get to the end of the movie.

Hope this helps.

Clay

[mscherer]

pzeidman,

I agree that your logline is good as is, but also agree that the antagonist should get a mention. The following is my opinion only, but I have always preached that a logline should contain these four pieces of the story:

1. The flawed protagonist.
2. The antagonist.
3. The situation.
4. The stakes.

You have three of the four, but adding the antagonist will only make your logline stronger. For example:

A selfish teenager has until sunrise to rescue his devoted little sister from the evil proprietor of a fantastic place where dreams and nightmares REALLY come from or be trapped there forever.

Remember... This is one man’s opinion. Mileage may vary. Batteries not included.

Keep Writing!

[pzeidman]

Thanks for some great responses! It probably IS better for me to include the antagonist; just have to figure out the best way to describe her.

[pzeidman]

How about this?

A selfish teenager has until sunrise to rescue his devoted little sister from the fantastic place where dreams REALLY come from, or else the sinister woman behind all nightmares will keep them trapped there forever.

Thanks for your help/feedback.

Hey look! I've got a blog! maximumz.wordpress.com

[mscherer]

Paul,

Something about ‘..or else…’ that pulls me out of the logline. Can’t put a finger on it, but there it is….

Just playing with words here…
A selfish teenager has until sunrise to rescue his devoted little sister from the fantastic place where dreams REALLY come from and defeat the sinister woman behind all nightmares, or be trapped there forever.

Keep Writing!

[mbarrett]

I like this last one Mike. It gives you everything in one sentence. Nice and complete.

[pzeidman]

I like it too. If you were reading that for the first time, would you think it was too wordy?

Problem is, I can't think of anything to take out.

[mscherer]

A selfish teenager has until sunrise to rescue his devoted little sister from the fantastic place where dreams REALLY come from, or else the sinister woman behind all nightmares will keep them trapped there forever.Thirty-five words (35).

A selfish teenager has until sunrise to rescue his devoted little sister from the fantastic place where dreams REALLY come from and defeat the sinister woman behind all nightmares, or be trapped there forever.
Thirty-four words (34).

Keep Writing!

[pzeidman]

I think I'm getting closer.

"A selfish teenager has until sunrise to rescue his abducted little sister from the fantastic place where dreams REALLY come from, or they'll both be trapped there forever."

(28)