Life Post Mortem - Short

[grumpee]

Here is a 1st draft of a short I was writing. After some early feedback from a potential director, I departed from my initial synopsis and am not sure if it was a good idea. There are a lot of holes, generalities and I don't know if the ending works. Would love someone to tear it to shreds and give me some ammunition to fix it.

This is the logline:

A once loving couple, pushed to brink of divorce over the recent death of their son, celebrates their 30th and possibly last anniversary in the silent hell of their own home when the deceased child returns to share dinner with them, forcing them to re-examine their lives, their relationship and his death.

Characters:

Gareth Engelsen – (mid 40s to early 50s) Strong personality. Self-made man. Warehouse manager. Pragmatic. Keeps his emotions in check.

Doris Engelsen – (late 40s) Gareth’s wife and emotional antithesis. Strong personality. Elementary school teacher.

Jared Engelsen – (early to mid 20’s) Gareth and Doris’ son. Free spirit. Artistic. Club DJ. Strong personality. Ideological antithesis to Gareth.

Attachments:

[mscherer]

Grumpee,

DISCLAIMER:
Please remember anything I write is mere opinion and in no way implies my way is the correct way or even the only way. I try to respond to perceived issues by correcting them the only way I know how: according to my style of writing. You should consider what I have to say, then either ignore my suggestions (which is probably a good idea), or accept them, but modify your script in your own style. That said, we are off--

Overall impressions:
Based on the LOGLINE, I thought this was an interesting concept.

A once loving couple, pushed to brink of divorce over the recent death of their son, celebrates their 30th and possibly last anniversary in the silent hell of their own home when the deceased child returns to share dinner with them, forcing them to re-examine their lives, their relationship and his death.

Almost a paranormal iteration of Ordinary People.

But when you read the script it turns out that Jared only let his family think he was dead. So here is a major plot hole (SPOILER ALERT)!!! If his family believed he was dead, and even went as far as to erect a memorial in the backyard, why wouldn’t the BAD GUYS also believe he was dead and stop looking for him? Seems all of Jared’s problems would go away if he just remained dead. Just a thought....

Plenty of really good dialogue. Love the line on page 14:

GARETH
God’s truth. Didn’t really think
that one through. Two years later I
was living in a car outside of Sun
Peaks, eating canned beans with no
money to buy a ski pass. When I ran
out of beans, I realized my old man
had more between the ears than I
gave him credit for. So I changed
my diet to crow and phoned home.

One thing I noticed over and over again, you include parentheticals inside the dialogue. For example:
GARETH
Your sister is fine. You have a
nephew now. (beat) His name is
Jared. He’s a good kid.

JARED
Jared, really? (beat) Wow, that’s
news.

The correct format is:
GARETH
Your sister is fine. You have a
nephew now.
(beat)
His name is
Jared. He’s a good kid.

JARED
Jared, really?
(beat)
Wow, that’s news.

Also, your action/description blocks are short and choppy. For example, on page 4:
Jared pokes at his pie with his fork. Jared’s cell phone
rings. He looks at the screen and pushes a button. The
ringing stops. He seems shaken.

Make your sentences flow and provide separate lines for each unique action:

Jared pokes at his pie absent-mindedly.
His phone rings.
He checks the CALLER ID -- looks upset -- ends the call.

Detailed critique:
Page 1: First, you need a transition FADE IN: at the top of the page. Second, when introducing characters for the first time, CAPITALIZE their names. Third, when introducing your characters, give us their approximate ages and a short, telling description for each.

Also, and this is strictly a style thing, try to avoid the verb ‘to be’. For example, in your opening description you write:
Doris and Gareth Engelsen are at the dinner table, finishing
their meal. There is tension in the air. Doris begins to
clear the table. (24 words).

Try something along the lines:
DORIS and GARETH ENGELSEN, 30s, finish dinner. As Doris clears the table, tension settles over the room like a heavy wool blanket. (22 words).

You write: ... he is hippie-stylish and crumpled from travelling.
‘...and crumpled from travelling.’ Makes it sound like Jared is crumpled from traveling, but I believe you meant his ‘...clothes were crumpled from traveling.’ Make sure your descriptions line up with the thing you wish to describe.

Page 3: Again, your action slugs can be shortened and streamlined. You wrote:
Doris returns with pie and ice cream. She begins dishing it out. (12 words).

Try: Doris returns -- dishes out pie and ice cream. (9 words).


Page 13: Gareth’s big speech:
GARETH
That doesn’t cut it anymore. Ever
since you could talk, you’ve been
blaming us for your problems. We
took it. Helped you in any way we
could. We love you, but goddamnit,
I am so mad at you right now. You
made me responsible for your death
once already, and now you return to
do it all over again? Christ, when
are you going to grow up?

Eliminate: ‘...but goddamnit, I am so mad at you right now’I think the audience will know Gareth is angry, no sense telling us he’s angry when you have already shown us his anger.

Page 14: Watch your verb tense, even in dialogue...

GARETH (CONT’D)
Everything was okay then, I mean it
wasn’t, but it didn’t matter, I
know I would pull through, I had
to, because of you two.

You should write: ‘...I knew I would pull through...’

Page 15 - 16: Okay, then ending is ambiguous, but you probably wrote it that way intentionally.

But....

And there is always a but, isn’t there? I almost expected to read this:

GARETH
He’s gone.

DORIS
Is he coming back?

GARETH
No.

Gareth holds Doris close.

She cries softly -- peers over her husband’s shoulder. Through the kitchen window: Jared’s memorial; a fresh mound of dirt.

A solid start to an interesting story. Keep up the good work and always,
Keep Writing!

One man’s opinion – mileage may vary – batteries not included.

[mscherer]

Grumpee,

Hope you're not offended, but I took the liberty of dissecting you logline, so go to the LOGLINE area of the message board and check it out.

Keep Writing!

[grumpee]

No offense taken. In fact I am overjoyed with the wonderfully productive and detailed notes. You have given me the ammunition I required. I can't thank you enough. I'll take a look at the logline dissection too. Everything helps.