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Post by churnage on Jan 7, 2013 20:55:43 GMT -5
Here's the logline for Strictly Platonic: When a single Mom loses her kids’ babysitter for the summer, she’s forced to rely on the last person in the world she wants to watch her children—her unemployed ex-husband… who just happens to need a place to live. Think Mr. Mom crossed with Mrs. Doubtfire (minus the drag). There's a lot I really like about this script, but I don't think it's fully baked... so I'd be interested in your feedback: What you liked, what you didn't like, what worked, what didn't work, etc. Thanks, Greg Attachments:
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Post by churnage on Jan 8, 2013 22:08:10 GMT -5
Some of the punctuation got a little funky the first time, so I've reposted the logline:
Strictly Platonic
When a single Mom loses her kids' babysitter for the summer, she has to rely on the one person she doesn't want to--her unemployed ex-husband... who just happens to need a place to live.
Think Mr. Mom crossed with Mrs. Doubtfire (minus the drag).
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mscherer
Full Member
Learn. Teach. Do.
Posts: 172
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Post by mscherer on Jan 12, 2013 9:33:40 GMT -5
Greg,
DISCLAIMER: Please remember anything I write is mere opinion and in no way implies my way is the correct way or even the only way. I try to respond to perceived issues by correcting them the only way I know how: according to my style of writing. You should consider what I have to say, then either ignore my suggestions (which is probably a good idea), or accept them, but modify your script in your own style. That said, we are off--
[overall impressions]
Love the characters. Love the dialogue.
Sometimes I didn’t get the rhyme or reason of why you CAP certain words. Normally sounds are CAPPED, maybe unique items. But I don’t understand: Page 3: STOPPING Page 6: SLOPPILY Page 13: BAG OF GROCERIES is capped while laptop, pocketbook are not. Page 25: SPOONS Page 51: COMES ON Page 54: GRABS Page 54: STORMS
I think you get the idea.
Normally, reading someone’s script is a chore, but not this one. I enjoyed the characters and the dialogue and the story flowed. Great job!
There are few things I would change other some of the formatting and Story Logic issues addressed below. Can’t wait to read the revised draft down the road.
[page by page critique]
Page 1: You’re going to find that one of my few pet peeves concerns Story Logic. You describe the opening scene as ‘Bumper-to-bumper traffic’, yet you have a Hummer (not the most agile vehicle on the road) ‘...effortlessly weaving through lanes, zipping between cars’. Don’t buy it. Bumper-to-bumper traffic implies there’s no room to maneuver. Now, if you simply said rush hour traffic, I could buy and visualize the scene.
Like the way you engage the reader here: But, you know what, it doesn’t matter. He’s got the CLASSIC ROCK BLARING and he feels fuckin’ great. Today is gonna be his day!
Page 4: Love the description of Mrs. Frederickson.
Page 8: Typo - RON So it is done? Think you meant.... RON So is it done?
Page 9: You jump from Dana’s Office to INT. INTERVIEW ROOM - LATE MORNING
But it made me stop reading. Are we still in Dana’s building, or somewhere else? Make your SLUG line more specific.
Also, when Mike leaves the interview your SLUG line is: INT. 3RD FLOOR LOBBY, BANK BUILDING
Is this the same bank building as on page 5? Your SLUG line there was: INT. BANK OFFICE - MORNING
As a reader I need to completely understand where the action takes place.
Page 10: I think Brad needs a title. I wasn’t sure who he was or exactly what he was doing in Mike’s condo.
Okay.. it’s not until page 15 that I figure out that Brad is Mike’s room-mate. You need to clear this up early on. Maybe: Mike’s room-mate, BRAD, tall, mid-30s, gives LONNIE, short, thick, balding, 30s (looks older), a tour of the place.
Page 16: Didn’t quite get: Dana gets WHEELS out of the driveway, sending up a plume of smoke.
Page 20: The Heart of the Story: MIKE (ignoring Kristen) It’s just that once two people are divorced, they generally don’t live together again.
SAM So divorce is forever?
Kristen rolls her eyes. Mike gets out the house key.
MIKE Basically, yeah.
Page 25: Mike rolls over and SPOONS Dana.
Spoons?? Sounds so old fashion and conjures up an image of Ozzie and Harriet. I think CUDDLES sounds more intimate. One man’s opinion.
Page 30: Febreze is a registered trademark, although I’m unsure about FEBREZES. Probable an issue for the studio if, and when, they decide to make the movie, so ignore this comment.
Page 34: Not sure I understand: DANA The showers in the morning.
Page 38: Love the line: A wince, as if a straight razor had been run across his nuts.
Page 41: I think you know what is wrong with this line: Richard turns into a Chinese restaurant.
Is this a magic trick? Richard (POOF!) turns into a Chinese restaurant.
Page 55: MONTAGE Dana working late... Mike and the kids eating alone... Dana coming home in the dark... Mike watching Kristen at ballet and Sam do karate... taking the kids out for ice cream...
Role reversal! Love it!
Page 63: Typo: RON I gonna need to you to hop on the new website project. Should be: RON I’m gonna need to you to hop on the new website project.
Page 69: Missing ACTION/DESCRIPTION between SCENE SLUG and DIALOGUE: INT. KRISTEN’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
MIKE We could get started at least.
Page 76: Another typo. Mike sounds a bit like CHICO MARX: MIKE Well, I gotta something to say to you, Dana Holloway Daniels.
Page 83: Didn’t quite get... EXT. RICHARD’S COLONIAL - DAY Upscale development. Dana pulls up. She sighs and gets out.
I would change to: EXT. RICHARD’S COLONIAL STYLE HOUSE - DAY Upscale development. Dana pulls up. She sighs and gets out.
But then only if Colonial is an important factor.
Page 92: Come’on... I know you’re going for comic effect but a woman would never put on wet panties and probably has a clean pair somewhere. Need to foreshadow by having Dana explain she’s all out of work clothes, etc. when she’s down in the laundry.
Page 98: you wrote: They CLINK bottles and take a drink. She LEANS on the drywall... Then CRASH! Falls through.
Even if Dana leans against the dry wall, wouldn’t the studs keep her from falling through? Just a thought.
Page 101: Once again, no ACTION/DESCRIPTION between SLUG and DIALOGUE: KRISTEN’S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
SAM This is crazy.
Need some description as to where the kids are. Is Kristen lying on the bed? Where is Sam? Get it?
Page 105: Once again: (see notes for page 101): INT. GARAGE - MOMENTS LATER
MIKE They’re good kids.
Page 106: Okay, the kids lock Dana and Mike in the garage for the night, but most, if not all, garages have windows. Wouldn’t they just open the window and crawl to freedom? Story Logic.
Page 116: Mike is driving the Neon he bought back on page 55 but on page 62 you have him still driving the Hummer. Story Logic.
Page 117: abrupt ending. Is there more?
One man’s opinion – mileage may vary – batteries not included.
Keep Writing!
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Post by churnage on Jan 12, 2013 10:23:58 GMT -5
Mike,
Thanks for all the comments.
Good catches on the story logic... like the rush hour suggestion and other ones as well.
For the garage, what if there were bars on the windows on the outside? Do you think that would work?
I may go a little overboard with the CAPS... I try to highlight the main thing especially if it's a few sentences of description... in case a reader was just scanning or reading through really fast.
For the ending, I wasn't sure what to do with Mike and the kids exactly. The current ending is a Call Back to the beginning when Mike had the condo (and a bit of an ironic counterpoint to when the kids went to the state park with Dana and Richard).
I wanted to create a sense of "life getting better, but also of life going on." Sorta like the last episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond," which ended as a normal day with the kids in the kitchen at the table.
For the rewrite, one scenario I was thinking about was planting a few seeds about how the kids hadn't gone on vacation for a few years, which would be a CALL BACK to Mike's memories of when they were all together.
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mscherer
Full Member
Learn. Teach. Do.
Posts: 172
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Post by mscherer on Jan 12, 2013 10:45:48 GMT -5
Greg,
For the garage, what if there were bars on the windows on the outside? Do you think that would work? -- Yup!
I may go a little overboard with the CAPS... I try to highlight the main thing especially if it's a few sentences of description... in case a reader was just scanning or reading through really fast. -- Just be consistent.
For the ending, I wasn't sure what to do with Mike and the kids exactly. The current ending is a Call Back to the beginning when Mike had the condo (and a bit of an ironic counterpoint to when the kids went to the state park with Dana and Richard). -- I think the READER/AUDIENCE will want a concrete resolution to this story. We are deeply invested in these very likeable characters and are rooting for them to get back together. Don’t cheat us. Don’t leave us in limbo.
This would be my take, and remember, opinions are like A**h**es... everybody has one: Dana and Mike leave the kids with the neighbor, Cheryl. The kids wave to Mom and Dad as they drive off. As the car comes into view we see a sign on the car’s trunk: JUST REMARRIED.
FADE OUT.
For the rewrite, one scenario I was thinking about was planting a few seeds about how the kids hadn't gone on vacation for a few years, which would be a CALL BACK to Mike's memories of when they were all together. -- Not so sure you need to do this. You already have several FLASHBACK type moments where Mike does think about life before the divorce.
Keep the good work and always,
Keep Writing!
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Post by churnage on Jan 12, 2013 16:07:36 GMT -5
Mike,
That's a good suggestion.
Thanks,
greg
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Post by antjackson on Jan 14, 2013 2:27:20 GMT -5
Hi Greg,
I read your script tonight.
I think the idea is great. Lots of inherent conflict and potential for fun and games. I can definitely see this as a nice twist on the rom-com. There are some great moments in the script... the power out sequence, the kids locking the parents in the garage, the rules of the house.
Okay, some suggestions...
First off it's a little sluggish. The structure you have in place is solid but you take too long getting to the next plot points. Scenes at Dana's work could definitely be cut. It's a nice sub-plot but it needs streamlining.
I think you need to establish Mike has to move in quicker. It's in the logline, the reader/audience know that it's going to happen, and this is really where the story gets going. I would lose the stuff with Mike and his roomate. Start on him getting kicked out.
Similarly, the mid-point twist of Dana attempting to kick Mike out but Mike refusing to go is great but needs to occur earlier.
Another improvement that could be made would be ramping up the conflict. It's a rom-com so the love interests need to despise each other at the start... so Mike and Dana should not be so cordial in the beginning. Make it clear there is a lot of resentment in the relationship.
Equally, crank up the conflict with Richard. He should either be really pissed about the situation or frustratingly cool about it (which should piss off Dana). At the moment he does not really add anything to the story.
The reason anyone is going to watch this movie, and any actors are gonna wanna attach themselves to it, is for the love story. In rom-coms they really need to be an emotional rollarcoaster. I feel like you can pull apart and push Dana and Mike's relationship more effectively. At the moment it feels a little one note. Work on showing how they hate each other and then how they actually have a lot of love rather than just telling us in the dialogue.
Which leads me to my final point. I think you have the beginnings of some interesting and real characters but you need to give them more depth. I don't really get a sense of who Mike or Dana really are. The same applies to the kids. I couldn't tell you one unique fact about any of them (other than Mike likes softball and Kristen likes Ballet).
I think it's a really solid draft but look to push it even further in any rewrites. Make it more uncomfortable for the characters.
Good luck!
Ant
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Post by churnage on Jan 15, 2013 21:26:02 GMT -5
Ant,
Thanks for your comments.
Some good suggestions. More conflict--yes. Speed things up--yes.
I gotta disagree on Dana's job... it plays an important role because it's a reversal of when she and Mike are married. Some things could change, of course. As in more conflict and higher stakes.
Greg
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oz
Junior Member
Posts: 54
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Post by oz on Jan 15, 2013 23:10:04 GMT -5
Downloaded the script over the weekend but have to wait until my new glasses come in---old ones broke in a dramatic fashion so I'm pretty blind until the news ones come in ; ( Anyway, I'll get on it as soon as I can see!
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Post by antjackson on Jan 16, 2013 1:29:26 GMT -5
Hey Greg,
I agree. I would not lose the Dana's job sub plot. The reversal adds a nice element. I would just scale it back. Those scenes often interrupted the flow of the main story and just left me wanting to get back to the scenes involving the family.
Best of luck!
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