Life Post Mortem - Short *New Draft*

[grumpee]

Here is the next draft taking previous notes into account. I am happier with this version, but it still needs work and would love any input I can get. Here is the revised logline:

An unhappy couple celebrates what may be their last wedding anniversary when their long-estranged son shows up for dinner with a bounty on his head

Attachments:

[mscherer]

Grumpee,

DISCLAIMER:
Please remember anything I write is mere opinion and in no way implies my way is the correct way or even the only way. I try to respond to perceived issues by correcting them the only way I know how: according to my style of writing. You should consider what I have to say, then either ignore my suggestions (which is probably a good idea), or accept them, but modify your script in your own style. That said, we are off--
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I think I like the premise of the last version better. A son, long thought dead, returns home under mysterious circumstances. Makes the reader/audience wonder: What the hell?

That said, this story has great potential. The only other criticism I have is we don’t know what Jared decided. If he left the country, Gareth didn’t have the time or opportunity to get Jared that $5000. I assume he leaves the country based on Garth’s dialogue, but that’s TELLING. I wanted you to SHOW me what happened. Make the ending interesting enough that the reader’s/audience’s curiosity is satisfied.
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Page 1: You have a bit of dialogue from the last version that no longer fits this version:
GARETH
Doris, we need to talk about the
back yard.

Gareth is referencing the memorial in the backyard, but in this version it no longer exists. Make it simply:
GARETH
Doris, we need to talk.

Page 17: I think Doris’ attitude toward Gareth changes too quickly. With Jared’s leaving (or did he?) being anti-climatic, we need a different kind of closure. Maybe on last big argument between Gareth and Doris -- with Gareth giving her more details about Jared’s predicament -- THEN Doris realizes she never really accepted KJared’s actions and that Gareth was right all along.


One man’s opinion – mileage may vary – batteries not included.

[behooked]

Thanks for sharing, grumpee.
I agree with mscherer in that my opinion is only worthwhile if it is helpful.


Set the scene:
We have no understanding of this family's socioeconomic or cultural position. One or two brief lines should set each scene. A script is ultimately a guide for photography; after all, this will be a motion picture. So, tell us what we're looking at. Otherwise we have a bunch of talking heads and we have no clues about what kind of people these are.


Enhance the Action lines:
The Desire of each character in a scene is the lamppost for an actor. We want actors to use their talents naturally with the setting and props. Don't Tell them how to act, Show them what the character is thinking through meaningful actions. Talk with actors, as they will tell you that they want to know what a character Wants in a scene.


Dialogue: Melodramatic. Under-reaction is almost always more powerful than over-reaction.

Theme:
What's the point?
The Theme of any story comes directly out of the protagonist's Character Flaw, and it is explored through the variations of that Flaw in the other Characters. The Father is the one who most changes from beginning to end. But, he is forced into it when his wife threatens him with separation. A real human being, infuriated and upset about the whole situation, would have likely said, "Fine, I'll help you pack!"

So, that would make the Theme something like, "Trust your wife, because in the end she'll be right." :-)


Read scripts:
There is a scene in Breaking Bad, Season 1, in which Jesse goes home and it is similar in tone to this. Study the scripts of produced films that have engaged you emotionally with such a sequence. I get the feeling (based on the writing) that you may not have read many scripts. Forgive me if I am dead wrong.


Thanks for the read. Good luck.

[grumpee]

Thanks, I agree with you about the premise. All of the other points brought by the both of you have merit and have given me a lot more to chew on during my next draft. Even though I have read multiple books on the topic of script writing, I am cutting my teeth on this project and still wrapping my head around many of the concepts. I truly appreciate your feedback.