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Post by mbarrett on Feb 27, 2013 13:57:26 GMT -5
I decided to try and post this screenplay again. First time was a downer because it wouldn't let me post the attachment. Who knows. Anyway - this screenplay is a drama and it's a short. Couple of things I want the reader to look for - Flow, Characters likable/hated, is it too foreshadowing, etc.? Let the comments and crits fly. One last thing - I wrote this with the characters having no dialogue. I know nowadays that it drives the character because then you get a better feel for them. My idea was to go back to the first movies that were silent. I wanted to try to have this as no dialogue, but keep with the future cinematic sounds of present day. Anyway - let me know what you think. I LOVE YOU-SS.pdf (7.86 KB)
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mscherer
Full Member
Learn. Teach. Do.
Posts: 172
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Post by mscherer on Mar 9, 2013 8:22:18 GMT -5
Mark,
I’m not sure if you were intentionally experimenting with a specific style in mind, but it just didn’t work for me.
First off, I would have liked to had a much better description of the man and the woman. It’s hard to form an opinion about either without knowing a bit more about them.
Second, all your action lines read like a laundry list and there really is no flow. It’s more herky-jerky. Put a number in front of each action line and you have a list of actions. For example: 1. A MAN stands over her - wild rage in his eyes. 2. Pretty Woman cries. 3. Man throws bottle of beer against the wall and storms out. 4. Pretty Woman stays on the floor.
Maybe something along the lines of this would be much better:
The Man stands over the crying woman with wild rage in his eyes. He takes a long draw on his beer -- tosses the empty bottle against the wall -- storms out.
The Woman remains on the floor. Paralysed with fear. Knees drawn to her chest.
Finally, not clear how the Man caused the death of the Woman. Did you intentionally crash into her? If so, why wasn’t he hurt? How did he cause the accident?
You know I’m a fan, so give this another shot, stick to your own style -- it’s a good one.
Remember, opinions are like A** holes -- everyone has one.
Keep Writing!
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Post by mbarrett on Mar 11, 2013 7:34:36 GMT -5
Mike, Thank you for the comments. Much appreciated. That's why I post stuff up here. Everyone needs a critique. I will definitely give a description and basis for the characters. I do need to elaborate more on my descriptions. It's been awhile since I've written a screenplay (couple months). I know, I know, why the drag? Life gets in the way sometimes.
He did cause the crash. I will elaborate some more on this one.
Thank you again. Always love the advice and critique. Mark
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Post by treeboy03 on Mar 24, 2013 23:14:43 GMT -5
Hi there Mark. I see some great potential in this one, although I think there's still some work to be done. With a decent re-write, this could turn into an excellent wee short. My main issue with this short is not so much the story, but more the way that you have constructed the story in your writing. For me, there are some aspects that appear fine when written into a screenplay, but I can't see working out in a final project. I'll start off with a personal gripe, which may be perceived as a nit-pick. I would suggest possibly naming your characters in this one. I don't know, but simply having "The Man" and "Pretty Woman" really doesn't do much to connect to your audience. You want people to recognize your characters by "Susie" and "John" rather than "That chick" and "Dude". You know what I mean? It helps to make your story a little more personal. It helps an audience to connect (in a weird, abstract way) to your audience. Something I have always been taught to do on other screenwriting boards is avoid doing the director's job in the screenwriting. For example, describing shots and transitions has always been taught to me as a no-no. These are details that the director would typically take care of. Your job is to tell the story in the quickest and most effective way. Your use of "CU OF SINK" slightly ruins the narrative flow, in my opinion. Page 2: "She looks around the place, her place, the Man's place." - You're telling us too much as opposed to showing. Try and explain features of the house that show that the place belongs to both characters. For example, you might describe a picture of the couple on a mantelpiece or a letter addressed to both characters. It's a lot more effective to imply that the house belongs to the two characters, rather than just stating it in the narrative. There's a very nice change in mood on Page 2, which I liked. However, it's kinda ruined when the man suddenly storms out. So, the man yanks her to the ground, stands over her and then... bizarrely walks out?? It all seems like it was all for nothing, if you know what I mean. Your characters have to have motives/reasons for their actions. At the moment, I'm just seeing pointless violence. I would try and show why he leaves all of a sudden. Maybe he stands over her and is about to strike, when he sees the fear in her eyes. After that, he gives her a shot and grabs himself a beer, before he resorts back to violence. Page 3: While in writing, the note idea is fine, I have to wonder about how the note sequence would look on film. I can't imagine an audience watching the film reading an entire note, without getting slightly peeved off. The note is written in more than half a page, which would theoretically take up more than thirty seconds on film. It would be a little awkward to be stuck on the same shot for more than seven seconds, never mind thirty. The ending for me didn't work, I'm sorry to say. Listen man, you have this beautiful build-up to the Woman's disappearance, which you kinda let down with an anti-climatic ending. There's too many unanswered questions to leave me satisfied. What has happened since the man read the note? Why is he being arrested? Two of your major plot points haven't been filled up by the ending, which leaves a bitter taste in the mouth. Maybe a little too rushed with the ending. Take your time with it. Build on it a little more and make me beg for those answers... And when I beg, make sure you give them to me. I think you may be onto something with the story. Other than my few nit-picks and problems with the ending, I think this has potential. Just invest a little time in filling up those holes in the re-write. Hope none of this is too offensive. It was a good read for my first review, here. Keep at it Dan
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