When Age Counts (short)

[treeboy03]

Thought I'd kick off with posting one of my latest shorts to this new website. I am a regular member on other boards, but it's always a pleasure to try new boards out to see what they're like. Yes, I am willing to pitch in with providing feedback with others.

Anyway, this is a short film, originally written for a MoviePoet script contest. I didn't end up placing, but hopefully I've re-worked it in a way that people appreciate it a little more than what they originally did.

Logline: A frail old man attempts to raise his young son in a changing environment.

Hope you guys enjoy. I look forward to the feedback.

Daniel Botha

Attachments:

When Age Counts.pdf (57.16 KB)

[treeboy03]

To any of you who may have downloaded the first script posted, I apologize, but I uploaded the wrong draft. Here is the updated version of the short.

Thanks,

Dan

Attachments:

When Age Counts.pdf (57 KB)

[mbarrett]

Hi Dan,
I did a quick read on it. I can say that I think there is something cold between all of the characters, but that might be what you are trying to portray with the Father because of his advanced age.

When the Father goes to the beach and ends up racing his son - it seems awkward. Just something about it that doesn't work. I would think that a guy at the age of 76 can move a little faster than what you had written. If I didn't know any better I would say the guy was having a heart attack. I would change that up a little.

The other thing that I find off is that he has a hard time putting a kite together, but ends up making his scooter into a really cool rocket go cart for his son.

Another point with respect to the father and son is that they call each other mate. I'm not sure if that is a European thing or not...

I would rework all of the scenes so that they flow together a bit better. I do have to tell you that for your first go with screenwriting - this is good.

Keep at it. Hope my few notes help.

Oh and one last thing. These comments are only my opinion and you can take them - use them or chuck them in the garbage. It's completely up to you.
Mark

[treeboy03]

Hi Mark,

Thank you so much for the time taken to read this and for the time on your review. I truly appreciate it. Just to clear up, this is not my first attempt at screenwriting. I have been writing since the beginning of last year. If you got the impression that this is my first attempt, I can only conclude that I must have taken a step back

You've given some awesome food for thought in your review.

Just a quick question... What did you mean by the "something cold between all of the characters"?? I'm afraid I lost you a bit over there. If you could take the time to elaborate a bit, it would be brilliant.

With the Father racing his son down the beach, it was supposed to be his attempt at being like all the other fathers. Basically he wants to provide the same activities like the younger parents. As for the pace of his walking, I think everybody ages a little differently. I can think of elderly people who are barely 70, yet they can barely stand without some assistance. I don't think there is an unrealistic aspect to that part of the screenplay. The heart attack idea was what was supposed to come through. I thought I might tease with that a little, before revealing that he was actually fine, just a little puffed.

Agree 100% with the kite issue. It definitely does not make sense that Doug can't cope with physical activities such as assembling a kite, yet he can build wooden rocket boosters. I'll see what I can do.

Yeah, the "Mate" thing is a New Zealand thing, which is where I live. These lines could easily be changed on the request of a Director.

Sure. That's why I'm here. To get the feedback and apply it to my next draft.

No problem with your comments at all. You have given some awesome food for thought.

Thanks Mark,

Dan

[mscherer]

Dan,

DISCLAIMER:
Please remember anything I write is mere opinion and in no way implies my way is the correct way or even the only way. I try to respond to perceived issues by correcting them the only way I know how: according to my style of writing. You should consider what I have to say, then either ignore my suggestions (which is probably a good idea), or accept them, but modify your script in your own style. That said, we are off--

[overall impressions]
I liked the story a lot. This would make a great short film, something that could make the festival rounds.

I know you received some feedback noting that Doug couldn’t assemble a kite, yet managed to build the rocket car. I disagree. Building a kite requires working with smaller pieces of wood and string and would be an unfamiliar task for Doug. On the other hand, Doug has experience working on larger things, the vintage car being an example along with the fact he has a tool box which implies he is, or has been, handy. The only criticism I would have is you should show Doug hard at work building the rocket car, experiencing difficulties and frustration, but persevering. Just a thought.

Keep up the great work.

[page by page critique]

Page 1: You wrote:
On the wall a family portrait hangs -- A photograph of three
people. DOUG (70) kneels down, clutches a baby SCOTT (1).
Next to the two of them, kneels the beautiful NATALIE (34) a
massive smile.
Two things took me out of the reading:
1. DOUG (70) kneels down, clutches a baby SCOTT (1).
My take on this would be kneels implies down also, the article ‘a’ Is not needed. So, with that, you could write.
DOUG (70) kneels, clutches baby SCOTT (1).
2. Your description of Natalie leads us to believe she is a ‘massive smile’. Try:
Next to the them kneels the beautiful NATALIE (34) wearing a massive smile.

You write:
Scott speeds out, knocking into NATALIE (38) as she tries to
walk in.
In the words of the infamous Yoda, ‘Try, or try not, there is only do.’
Natalie doesn’t try to walk in, she walks in or enters. Something along the lines:
Scott speeds out, slams into NATALIE (38) as she enters.

Page 3: For this line:
THUMP! Doug pounds his fist into the sand. Doug shakes his head.
You mention Doug’s name explicitly in two consecutive sentences. As long as we are in the same scene/shot this shouldn’t be necessary. For example:
THUMP! Doug pounds his fist into the sand, shakes his head.

Page 4: I really like this scene. It tells the whole story, but I would change the following:
Doug left alone at the table. His frail hands shake to his
face -- a quiet sob.
He knocks down a chess piece.
A complete break-down. Sobs and cries emitted from Doug.

To something along these lines:
Doug sits alone and silent at the table. His frail hands shake, accidentally knock over a chess piece. A sob escapes his throat followed by a stream of tears.
A complete break-down.

Uh, oh…. Story Logic Problem: Here you have Doug state:
DOUG (CONT’D)
I just want to be a good father.
Drive him around, take him places.
All I can legally drive these days
is a damn mobility scooter!

Mobility scooter? Then how did Doug and Scott get to all those beaches in the previous scene? Something to think about.

Page 5: Try to give your minor characters (in this case CHILD #1, CHILD #2, CHILD #3, and CHILD #4) some description, even if it is CHUBBY CHILD, FRAIL CHILD, SKINNY CHILD, NERDY CHILD. This will help keep the reader engaged.

That's all I have. Good job!
Keep Writing!

[treeboy03]

Hey Michael,

Thanks for having a look at this one. I appreciate the time taken to give some feedback. You've managed to point out some very decent issues with the script, which I'll look to improve with the next re-write.

I did originally have a detailed response, but for some reason it didn't post and I find myself having to write a new reply altogether. Basically what I said in my original post was that your pointers on my writing were incredibly helpful and I hope to incorporate those tips in my next draft.

As for your disagreement with Mark. I think both arguments have weight and it's going to be difficult to find a balance. I had an idea to fix this. I could show Doug struggling with both activities, when it comes to the smaller pieces. For example, Doug might struggle with nailing two pieces of wood together. To deal with this, he just gets himself a nail-gun and does it that way, instead. I think it has potential to be quite amusing, if written correctly.

I like the point you made with the mobility scooter. I'll change it to Natalie dropping them off, instead. That would make it a little more believable.

The minor character suggestion is another tip I'm willing to take on board. May as well make the scene more interesting for the reader.

Sorry this reply was so short, Michael. I did originally have a longer reply.

Thanks for the feedback and the read. I seriously hope this forum kicks off.

Dan