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Fatigue
Apr 27, 2013 0:16:38 GMT -5
Post by treeboy03 on Apr 27, 2013 0:16:38 GMT -5
My first attempt at horror has already been hit hard on another screenwriting forum. I know it's not a particularly good plot, in terms of originality or anything like that, but I could still use some feedback. Probably one of my worst screenplays, to date, but here it is, anyway. Fatigue - A short "horror" film. Logline: A man fresh from a late night working battles his imagination on the way home... or is it reality? Enjoy: www.dropbox.com/s/y1qx5m3iph26khp/Fatigue.pdf
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mscherer
Full Member
Learn. Teach. Do.
Posts: 172
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Fatigue
Apr 27, 2013 6:42:11 GMT -5
Post by mscherer on Apr 27, 2013 6:42:11 GMT -5
Daniel,
DISCLAIMER: Please remember anything I write is mere opinion and in no way implies my way is the correct way or even the only way. I try to respond to perceived issues by correcting them the only way I know how: according to my style of writing. You should consider what I have to say, then either ignore my suggestions (which is probably a good idea), or accept them, but modify your script in your own style. That said, we are off--
[overall impressions] You, my friend, are correct in your assessment of this script. This needs a lot of work and I know you can make this much, much better.
I only read the first page and I can see that one of your problems is making wrong verb choices. The other problem I have is that all the action slugs read like a laundry list of motions. Paul does this. This happens. Paul does that. There is no flow.
Here is what I suggest: print out your script. Read it out loud and listen very carefully to the cadence and pace of what you are reading. If something sounds CLUNKY, it probably is. Make changes on the page as you go and pay particular attention to the verbs.
When you are finished with the rewrite, re-post the script here at Schmucks and I will read again.
Keep Writing!
[page by page critique] Page 1: You wrote: Condensation collects on the outside of the windows.
Windows of what? The car? The carpark? Also, being in a sheltered space like a carpark, condensation would not collect on anything -- took me out of the story.
Footsteps approach, clicking on the concrete.
Approach whom? Us, the reader? Being clear as to who is experiencing what happens on the page. Also, unless this person is wearing taps on his shoes, footsteps would not click. Maybe try something like: Footsteps echo.
With some difficulty he gets his keys into the hole and unlocks... Okay, if he is an important business man he probably drives a fairly upscale vehicle -- one with remote door locks, etc. He wouldn’t be, or need to, ‘...get his keys into the hole...’. Also, that should be key, not keys. He would have a very difficult time getting more than one key in that lock.
You write: ‘Paul flicks his head around...’ Flicks is the wrong verb. Took me out of the story. Here is the definition of FLICK for the Oxford Dictionary of English:
flick ► verb [with obj.] strike or propel (something) with a sudden quick movement of the fingers: Max flicked his bow tie ; Ursula flicked some ash off her sleeve.
Unless Paul actually took his fingers and flicked his head around, change the verb.
He trips into the driver’s seat... Trips? Tumbles would be a better verb choice here.
You wrote: INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS Paul manipulates the car through corners, somewhat clumsily.
His vision is blurred as he looks ahead. He blinks a few times, shaking his head. Vision back to normal.
His hand flops to the radio, where he switches it on.
LOUD ROCK MUSIC blares. Paul swerves as he turns the noise down. He sighs.
Clumsy writing (in my opinion). Needs something along these lines: Paul drives erratically.
The highway in front of him morphs into a foggy blur, then comes back into focus.
He turns on the radio -- ROCK MUSIC blares from the speakers.
Paul reaches over to turn the volume down -- swerves across the center line. Recovers -- over corrects. Settles back into his lane. A SIGH of relief.
One man’s opinion – mileage may vary – batteries not included.
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Fatigue
May 1, 2013 23:39:59 GMT -5
Post by treeboy03 on May 1, 2013 23:39:59 GMT -5
Hi Michael,
Sorry I haven't replied sooner. I've been caught up with other things, so I haven't really had time to comment. I have been well aware that you posted feedback, however.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate the honesty and being upfront about the facts... This script is a mess. While my others aren't particularly great either, I can appreciate and understand why people might be disappointed when reading this. I knew while writing that it wasn't good. So why would I post it here, if not to showcase what I can do? Simple. I wanted to show people what I couldn't do, instead. I think broadening my ability to write within different genres is possibly one of the most important things I can learn to do, especially considering my age and lack of experience. I know I'm comfortable within the Drama genre, but it's about time I got used to writing within other genres and themes as well. So, here is where I posted for a little extra feedback.
Again, I wish to thank you again for your honesty and for giving it to me straight. That's actually the sort of review I like to write. I don't believe in the "shit sandwich theory" where some reviewers tend to write in the following format: nice comment, bad comment, nice comment. I believe in reviewing and hitting writers the way you have done for me. So thank you. It's a big wake-up call.
One of the things that was a wake-up call for me was when you said you only read through page one. In my time of reading scripts, I've only ever done that when the script was REALLY horrible, so I apologize. Hopefully, my next post here will be an improvement of what you just read. For the record, I won't be rewriting "Fatigue". I was just trying to get an idea of how well my "thrillers/horrors" went down... Not too well, I see.
Sorry the writing wasn't doing it for you, either. It seems I have downgraded with my ability to write, again.
Thanks Again, Michael. You've made some great pointers.
Thanks for the read.
Dan
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mscherer
Full Member
Learn. Teach. Do.
Posts: 172
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Post by mscherer on May 2, 2013 5:49:01 GMT -5
Dan,
Please, don't give up on FATIGUE. You need to do the rewrite in order to learn what not to do the next time.
I may have only read the first few pages and only critiqued the first page, but I was hoping that would give you an idea on how to fix the whole script. I really want to read the next version, really.
Don't ever give up on yourself or your dreams. If you want to write thrillers, write them. Learn as you go. Practice the Three Ps: Persevere; Persevere; Persevere.
Wishing you the best and always, Keep Writing!
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Fatigue
May 2, 2013 16:59:36 GMT -5
Post by treeboy03 on May 2, 2013 16:59:36 GMT -5
I won't be giving up on writing. Based on your review here and others I've had, I know what I'm doing wrong and I know (roughly) what I need to do next time. Starting with a story that makes sense would be a great place to start Overall, I think the story is lacking in execution. I didn't really stop and consider the things I usually consider. Usually, I will have a look at my characters and note down the important details... You know their want, their obstacles and the way of overcoming the obstacles to give them their completion. Then I note down arcs and reveals and things like that. With "Fatigue" all I did was sit down and write it, which gave a very poor quality script. Don't worry, Michael. I don't plan on giving up on my writing... ever. Sometimes, I walk away from projects. I've done it before and I can see me doing it again, many many times. I'm sure you, as a writer, have gotten to a point in your writing when you think: "This one isn't working out" and you stop writing for a while. At the very least, you give that particular project a break. That's all I'm doing with "Fatigue". Giving it a break, so I can return to the project with a fresh pair of eyes. I wasn't originally going to rewrite it, but after reading your post, I think I had better. You seemed like you genuinely wanted me to pull through and write this. It might take a while, but I'll see if I can rework this one. Dan
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