"Cheaters" Short Screenplay (10 Pages)

[bobby]

"Cheaters" is a short comedy about a class of 4th graders who come up with an elaborate scheme to cheat on their history test.

All feedback is greatly appreciated! This is my first attempt at screenwriting. Thank you so much in advance!

Cheaters


By the way, if you don't have an account with Schmucks With Underwoods, you can comment directly on the Google Doc. Thanks again!

[treeboy03]

Hi there, Bobby. I will give this a read tomorrow morning. Thanks for posting.

Dan

[mscherer]

Bobby,

Have something for you this weekend.

Keep Writing!

[bobby]

Thanks so much! It really means a lot!

[treeboy03]

Hi Bobby,

As I said, I gave this a read. For a first screenplay, I think it's good, although it's definitely not without a few issues that need to be addressed. I'll get onto the writing of the piece a little later, after I mention a few plot points.

Before I begin, I think it's important to remember that anything I say in the following review is only my opinion. If I offend you, I humbly apologize. Our goal here is not to insult, or offend, but to help in what ever way we can.

Overall, I liked it. It's a mess in terms of writing and there are some plot points that could be addressed, but I think the concept of the piece has some potential. It's cute, if I may use that word without risking my masculinity... There wasn't much to begin with

I think as far as a story goes, it works. However, as far as execution with that story goes, you miss on more than just one occasion. I'll start with the end (which seems like a weird place to start). There is hardly a pay-off in my honest opinion. Okay, I'll rephrase that, there's hardly a pay-off that I didn't see coming. Here, you have all these kids trying to get revenge on their history teacher by cheating in a test. They go through all this effort to make sure their cheating is successful, only to be let down by an awful twist of fate. I get it... It's supposed to be funny. However, I think as a comedy screenplay it lacks on fundamental aspects that make certain material fit within the comedy genre. Comedy is supposed to be at the very least amusing throughout. Personally, I smiled once in the entire screenplay and that was right at the end. Not a big issue when you think about it. But, for me, this entire thing felt way longer than what it should have. Think about it this way... If you were watching this on film and you knew it was only a short film, so it couldn't be too bad. You watch the film, without a hint of a smile until the very end, when the punchline FINALLY comes through. Are you really going to be satisfied with that? You watched a film for ten minutes to get one laugh. If you're writing a short comedy with one punchline at the end, you've got to make it less than three minutes, man. Otherwise, an audience is going to switch off almost immediately. Again, it's only my opinion, but I honestly think you should reach the punchline sooner to get yourself a satisfied audience.

If you want to keep the film as long as it currently is, there is another route you could possibly take. How about adding more jokes in? By having a few extra jokes within this short, you stand a better chance of people finishing the film. These added jokes don't have to be outrageously funny. They just have to tease an audience a little more to keep them watching. That's a route I would try and take to keep your audience watching till the very end.

I did feel that the dialogue could use a little work in places. I'm not so sure if it was your aim for the children, but they all came across as incredibly awkwardly spoken. Have a read of some of the lines that are supposed to be spoken by the kids. Read them out loud to yourself and decide whether you can actually picture a child talking like that. I know when I read them, they all tended to come across as slightly unnatural and a bit long-winded. I just can't see people talking like this. I wouldn't fret too much, just yet. Dialogue is a screenwriter's nightmare. When I first struggled it was the number one thing that pulled readers out of reading my work. Now, I haven't mastered it, but it is a little more tolerable. A huge tip I can give is listen to how people talk. Seriously. Next time you take a train or whenever you're in social situations, listen to how REAL people interact with each other. Listen to how REAL people use slang and take note of certain traits within certain languages. Also, determine by yourself, how the way people can talk can identify what sort of person they are. For example, general human stereotypes would tell you that anybody who talks with heaps of swear words is perhaps a person who is incredibly insecure and swears as a tool to make themselves more confident. Subtle things like this really make or break writing.

Have a look below. Notice how incorporating the traits from real people can make or break a character...

JADE: "I spoke to Chad the other day. He wanted to get back together with me. I told him "no". I'm going to get on with my life without him."

could be written as...

JADE: "So Chad rang up and he was like "Baby you wanna get back together" and I'm like "No Way." You are so totally like yesterday's news. Seriously, grow up. Like honestly whatever. I'm hooking up with someone else now."


What do general stereotypes immediately associate that sort of dialogue? A teenage girl. A spoiled teenage girl. While on paper, it may say in the script that your character is a teenage girl, but that's gotta be shown in your dialogue as well. If you write your dialogue bland and irritating (e.g. the first example) your audience won't believe that they're real. They won't buy into it.

Personally, I didn't buy into your character's ages. To me, it seemed like you were just writing what they say, without really putting much thought into their voice. How would a character this age REALLY talk like? Ask yourself that.

As I said earlier, you have a long way to go to get your writing to a stage where it is engaging and interesting. Screenwriting is an art. Contrary to popular belief, it's not something that anybody can do. I remember when I first started out, I thought to myself "Anybody can do this" -- Not true. By any means. Yes, the language in screenplays is supposed to be simple and to the point so that anybody can read it, but that doesn't mean anybody can write a screenplay. When you think of great writers, you think of authors who write novels and poetry and short stories. People never think of screenwriters and for good reason. Screenwriters are the masters of simple writing. GOOD screenwriters on the other hand, are writers who can write in simple tense and still make their writing engaging. That's where the hard part comes in.

In general, I thought your writing needs improvement in two simple areas to make it more engaging...

1) You include details an audience watching the film probably could not see.
2) It's too clunky.

Here are some examples...

Page 1: "It is a gorgeous day outside, yet these children are trapped in what feels like a heat box." - Avoid writing what an audience watching the film could not immediately experience for themselves. A film typically has two ways of communicating things through to an audience. These are through sight and hearing. They cannot communicate through smell, because an audience can't smell through the screen. Likewise, films don't communicate through feeling and taste, because and audience can't feel the pain the characters are going through and they can't taste what characters taste. Therefore, in my honest opinion, writing what a character feels in a script is completely and utterly redundant. When you say the room feels like a heat box... Don't even bother. If an audience watching the film can't feel it, don't write it into the script.

However, having said that, there are still ways to communicate these ideas through to an audience, only this time you're using the senses that you do have available. For example, if you really want to show that this room is hot, show it through the characters reactions or some environmental factors. You may have a character waving a fan in their face or you might write something like this into the script...

"The sun creates little mirages on the floor." - Things like that are visual and communicate the exact same message. Only this time, you're using the senses that the audience has available, therefor making it easier for them to interpret your message.

Just a quick question. I don't know where you are based in the world, but I was a little concerned with Fourth Graders learning about the League of Nations at such a young age. I'm in New Zealand, and I only learned about things like that when I was in Eleventh Grade, which is the equivalent of an American Tenth Grade. Perhaps your education curriculum is more advanced than mine, but it might be worth your while checking things like this up. It's the same with kids writing two essays in one test? I just don't believe any teacher teaching fourth graders would demand their students do that. It seems a bit far fetched.

Page 2: "Dennis and another student, MELANIE (9), are standing by the fence, chatting." - I'd avoid progressive writing like this, as it often adds unnecessary length to the screenplay. Remember, screenplays are supposed to be short and sweet. If there's a shorter way of writing something, you'd be wise to take that route.

You could rewrite this part like this:

"Dennis and another student, MELANIE (9) stand by a fence, chatting." - It may be just a few characters in a sentence, but in the long run, adapting these techniques now will be beneficial for you when you eventually start writing feature-length screenplays and clipping a few sentences means saving yourself some pages.

It's the same on page 4, where you write: "Melanie and Dennis are sitting..." when it could easily just be "Melanie and Dennis sit". Watch out for those progressive verbs (some writers refer to them as passive). They'll kill the impact of your writing.

Avoid redundant description in your writing. For example on Page 2: "They watch as other students from the school, some older, some younger..." - You're essentially writing redundant detail into your work. Of course some students are going to be older, while others younger. That much is obvious. Avoid stating obvious facts like this. Simply saying "other students for the school" is enough to establish that some will be older, while others younger.

That's about it from me. I genuinely hope that I haven't offended you. As a first attempt at screenwriting, this isn't bad at all. You've just made some mistakes that pretty much every beginner writer makes. No big issue, here. We've all been in the position you're in now. Take the advice that we have to offer and you'll see your writing start to develop within a few months. It really is a quick process to learn, but it takes years to master. The quicker you get into it, the better.

Keep writing!

Dan

[mscherer]

Bobby:

DISCLAIMER:
Please remember anything I write is mere opinion and in no way implies my way is the correct way or even the only way. I try to respond to perceived issues by correcting them the only way I know how: according to my style of writing. You should consider what I have to say, then either ignore my suggestions (which is probably a good idea), or accept them, but modify your script in your own style. That said, we are off--

[overall impressions]
A good first attempt at writing a screenplay. The format is completely different from prose and has many more rules that you need to learn, but overall, nicely done.

That said, there are issues.

First, you used way too many adverbs (-ly words). Don’t. If you need to use an adverb it is most likely because you used the wrong verb to start with. As an example, on page 2 you wrote:
They swiftly become still.
Where this works just as well:
The students freeze, stone still.
I think you get the idea.

Second, the children’s dialogue sounds too mature--they don’t sound like fourth graders. For example, on page 4:
DENNIS
Each card has a name, and a very
specific set of instructions on it.
It is vital that each of you follow
these steps exactly.

Just doesn’t ring true.

Finally, not sure this works in the grade school setting. I see this more as a high school comedy. But, if you want to keep this in the grade school setting I would suggest you rent some of the Our Gang comedies from the 30s and 40s (I know, I’m dating myself here, but they are classics and involve kids in this age group). A little research goes a long way.

I think this was a good first crack at writing a screenplay. Revise and re-post if you want or write something new. Either way, don’t give up and always,
Keep Writing!

[page by page critique]

Page 1: Formatting issue: you forgot FADE IN:
Also, keep your description and action paragraphs limited to 3 or 4 lines. One of the first things a script reader will look for is the amount of BLACK (how much verbiage) is on the page.
You could break up that first paragraph of 8 lines like this:
15 STUDENTS sit in a small, hot classroom. Posters of
former presidents hang on the walls, some half fallen. It
is a gorgeous day outside, yet these children are trapped
in what feels like a heat box. Fans eternally spinning to
no avail.

At the front of the room is MRS. JANSEN (75), an old woman
with long, ashen hair pulled into a bun. Her pupils show
nothing but apathy towards her and her lesson. She appears
even more disinterested than they.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don’t put anything on the page that cannot be filmed. For example you wrote:
‘...yet these children are trapped in what feels like a heat box.’

‘...in what feels like...’ cannot be filmed and, it is telling, not showing. Maybe something like:

It is a gorgeous day outside, yet these children are
trapped in inside, sweating profusely. Fans eternally
spinning to no avail.

You introduce us to DENNIS but fail to give us his last name, a name Mrs. Jansen addresses him by: Mr. Pajak.
Please introduce all your characters with their first and last names were appropriate to eliminate confusion later in the script.

Page 2: Mrs. Jansen seems to be very straight laced and by the book, so I doubt she would say:
‘...10 vocab questions...’.
What rings more true is if she said:
‘...10 vocabulary questions...’.

Melanie is 9 years-old yet she talks like a much older person. I don’t think a fourth grader would say:
‘Looks like our classmates don’t agree.’
Maybe just keep it simple:
They don’t think so.

Page 3: Same with Dennis’ dialogue:
What should I do? Go up and beg
Jansen to postpone the test? She’d
hit me with her broomstick.
I just don’t see a fourth grader using the word ‘postpone’. Maybe something like:
What should I do? Go up and beg
her not to give us the test? She’d
hit me with her broomstick.

Page 4: First paragraph needs to be broken up--too many lines.

Page 5: The janitor parks his car in a garage? Really?

Page 6: You have Steven ask for string. Joe, the cashier goes to the back room to get it? It’s a hardware store! String would be on display, on a shelf. You need to be very careful that your story rings true. This doesn’t.

Page 7: Another gob of black at the bottom of the page. Break it up.

Page 10: Nice twist at the end. Open book test.

One man’s opinion – mileage may vary – batteries not included.