Dead Men Can't Talk

[mbarrett]

A thriller about a man who will got to any lengths to avenge the death of his brother and family.

Long time no posting for me. I've been a little busy.

If there is anyone out there who could read this and give me feedback - it would be great. Thank you.

Grammar issues are in there - I'm sure of it.

Thanks. Mark

p.s. - not sure if I posted this on the old gits or not.

Attachments:

DEAD MEN CAN'T TALK-SS061113.pdf (106.81 KB)

[jaycee]

Mark, I'd be happy to.  I'm just finishing up Screenwriting U Pro Series, so I have a little time on my hands.  Give me a couple of days.  How did you want me to get back to you, through here or is there an email?

And how involved would you like the critique - formatting, content, plot, logic, characters?   I don't believe in being brutally honest - just tactful.    

thanks

judy  

[mbarrett]

Hi Judy,
Honest brutal comments are fine. I've had them before and it's fine. It's totally up to you on how far you want to go with the comments and depth of the critique. I'll accept anything you can do. I appreciate you taking the time.
Mark

[mscherer]

Mark,

Downloaded. I will give this a read as soon as I can.... you're in the queue ;-)

Best regards,
Mike

[mbarrett]

Thanks Mike. I appreciate it.

[jaycee]

Hey Mark

Better late than never. I got busy with other stuff - which included a Yankees game.

To begin with I really like your characters. Horatio with his snake and Karma came across really good. Crier is great as the unfathomable contract killer. And the dialogue is very good. I like Steve as the reluctant hero - could be notched up a bit, maybe a fallen Navy Seal. They each have their own voice. But I was wondering was Steve an English professor before he took the fall for his brother? He speaks very good English and he’s very formal. You may want to take a look at that if that’s not what you intended.

The plot/story line is consistent and easy to follow. It may be somewhat cliched but this isn't my typical genre so I’m not sure.

I know you said not to look at spelling/grammar so I let a lot of that go. Does that include formatting as well?

And probably the biggest issue that you may want to look at is the narration. You seem to want to spoon feed the reader. i.e: p.1 “reaches down and grabs us just as we …” p37 “Does she blame him?” p.82 “We really don’t know how this is gonna go down…” and p. 84 “It’s a horrific scene.” instead of telling us those things why not show. Okay so those are just some examples. I get that this is your writing style and it probably would work better if there was more originality with the story. But the way it is now, I wasn't sure if you thought I (the reader) couldn't follow along. I know you don’t want to insult the reader at some large studio.

It really is a good script, and I think, with potential to be a great script. Good Luck and thanks for letting me read it. Judy

[mbarrett]

Hi Judy,
No problem with being late.

Thank you for pointing out that Steve seems to smart. I never actually thought about that before.

I definitely have some spelling and grammar issues, always have.

I will definitely look at Steve and his voice and see about changing that. I like the suggestion about the Navy Seal thing, but I wanted it to come across that he's never really gotten rid of his fear of water and the whole almost drowning episode. In the end we learn that he's overcome that fear and is swimming, maybe it's a way to say that he's actually gotten over his brother.

I do tend to spoon feed sometimes. It may be my writing style. That's something I'll look at in the next revision.

Thank you for taking the time to read it and give me some criticisms/compliments. I really appreciate it.
Mark

[mscherer]

Mark,

Seemed like a cross between NCIS and BURN NOTICE -- I like.

I really liked Steve’s character. Strong. Silent. Stoic. I liked the story, although the concept has been done many, many times before--but I did like it.

Your writing has improved by leaps and bounds. Well done. I look forward to reading again after you do a rewrite.

Here’s the link to my notes:
dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/39354774/Critique-DeadMenCantTalk.pdf

Keep Writing!

[mbarrett]

Hi Mike,
I tried to make Steve seem like he was his own man, but still burdened by one thing that he wasn't able to shake off until his brother died. Then it was all about revenge.

Thank you for the kind words on my writing. Still pounding away trying to improve day by day.

I appreciate the notes. Thanks for taking the time to read it.
Mark