The Chaser [Short]

[Sean Z P Harris]

Howdy all!

To get the ball rolling I thought I'd upload an old short of mine called The Chaser.

It is very much based on the short story of the same name by John Collier.

The link to the actual script I wrote is here.

Rip away!

[AlexRinggaard]

Hey Sean

I read the script, and rather enjoyed the story in it.
I'm not sure that I get the ending, but I think it has something to do with the other potion, and that the old man knows at one point he will want to come back and buy the other potion to kill the girl, when he is tired of her. Am I totally out of place here?

Anyway, I have some concerns I will share:

1. On p. 2 I found it weird that the old man says "normal", because to me it sounds like he thinks that is a word the boy used. As if he is correcting him. I think it is because he starts of saying "my dear boy"

2. There are a few spelling errors on page 1. I didn't know whether to write it, since I know this isn't meant to be a final draft and it's not constructive criticism at all, but I just thought I should tell you. (p. 1 l. 12 you wrote "do" instead of "to" and p.1 l. 13 you wrote "a anorexic" instead of "an anorexic")

3. I like the story on the page, but I'm not sure how good it would translate to picture. I'm worried it becomes too boring, with only dialogue and no action at all. This might stem from the fact that I'm not the biggest fan of short stories like this. Very few hit my sweet spot, so I might be biased.

I hope this is usable to you. If you have any questions, please ask me.

- Alex

[Sean Z P Harris]

Hi Alex!

I believe all of your comments to be 100% on the money, as it were. You did get the ending right, and it has been mentioned elsewhere that this may not translate well to the screen (i.e. it's just two people talking - not much action).

It's odd, but I read the short story and just felt like it would translate well into a script format, which I believe it does.

However, I concede that just because it translates well into said format, it doesn't necessarily mean it would translate well into a short film.

This isn't a project I'm looking to return to (it's dead in the water to me). I just thought it would be good to get something short up first to get the comments ball rolling in this particular thread.

All good stuff though, Alex! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Any one else care to wade in with their thoughts?

[mscherer]

Sean,

This is a repost of my original critique, way back when. Hope you don't mind.

Did not read the original short story. I wanted to evaluate the script on its own merits.

I enjoyed reading the script very much and through the dialogue I just know poor old John is for a rocky road in his love life. God knows the Old Man, through sub-text, warned John of the perils of the love potion.

DISCLAIMER:
Please remember anything I write is mere opinion and in no way implies my way is the correct way or even the only way. I try to respond to perceived issues by correcting them the only way I know how: according to my style of writing. You should consider what I have to say, then either ignore my suggestions (which is probably a good idea), or accept my suggestions, but modify in your own style. That said, we are off--

Page 1: One of my mantras (and I have only two) is SIMPLIFY! Some of the descriptions on this page can be simplified without losing meaning. For example:
The sun blazes away in the heavens as an OLD MAN, dressed in a crisp linen suit, leans back heavily on a cast iron chair and fans his withered, deep-tanned face with a battered newspaper. (35 words)

I would simplify:
The sun blazes as an OLD MAN, dressed in a crisp linen suit, leans back on a cast iron chair and fans his withered, deep-tanned face with a battered newspaper. (30 words)

I’m all for provocative, colorful descriptions, but ‘…proffered pew.’ sounds a tad pretentious.

Two of my pet peeves have to do with the verb ‘to be’ and the use of –ing verbs (gerunds?). I believe avoiding these bugaboos will make for a cleaner, smoother read.
For the ‘to be’ example, you write:
The Boy is startled into action by the voice of authority and crashes down awkwardly onto the proffered pew. (19 words)

I would simplify:
The Old Man’s authoritative voice startles the Boy, causes him to crash down onto the proffered seat. (17 words)

For the –ing example, you write:
John stares briefly at a fly buzzing around the top of an empty pint glass before continuing. (17 words)

I would simplify:
John briefly watches a fly buzz around an empty pint
glass before he continues. (14 words)

Page 2: Simplify:
The Old Man stares out toward the railway station and starts fanning himself as the fly zips down to a small pool of cider that has gathered at the base of the glass. (33 words)

To:
The Old Man stares toward the railway station and fans himself as the fly zips down to a small pool of cider at the base of the glass. (28 words)

Page 4: Again, simplify! You write:
The Old Man slaps the newspaper down on the ring
case grazing John’s fingers in the process. John retracts his hand hastily as if were stung by a wasp. (29 words)

I would simplify:
The Old Man slaps the newspaper on the ring case,
grazes John’s fingers. John retracts his hand as if stung by a wasp. (23 words)

Page 5: Again, those pesky –ing verbs:
Both the Old Man and John are startled. They spin around to face a pretty barmaid who is gesturing to the empty pint glass on the table. (27 words)

I would simplify:
Old Man and John jerk with a start. They face a pretty barmaid as she gestures toward the empty pint on the table. (23 words)
-----------------------------------------------------------

Okay, I realize some of my comments don’t take into account the cultural and linguistic differences between the UK and the US. So, if I have stepped on some collective toes, I apologize. That said…

I am all about writing clean, clear and breezy scripts. I feel the reader must enjoy himself/herself while grasping what is, hopefully, a very good story. That is why I have SIMPLIFY as one of my writing mantras. Simplifying the prose will provide that breezy, enjoyable read, allow for more white-space, reduce page counts, etc.

Oh! And my other mantra? The Three Ps: Persevere. Persevere. Persevere.

One man’s opinion – mileage may vary – batteries not included.

[earl]

I agree with many above that is does get a tad "talky." There may be a way to shorten some of the dialogue some.

I do enjoy the subtle ending with a visual of what is bound to become of John and the girl he desires.

The beginning starts a tad slow. I'd look for a way to spice it up a little more....

[clayjs]

I think it's a fun story. I really enjoy the idea of selling a love potion cheap and its macabre 'solution' for lots of money. Also, the title is perfect! I find a lot of the suggestions that have been mentioned so far very apt, particularly those by mscherer about simplification. I would take it a bit further, however, and work to simplify your dialogue as well. The Old Man is selling a product that sells itself and John, however fascinated, is in a hurry for him to get to the point.

Although the story is, by its nature, 'talky', I don't think that has to get in the way of its being a successful short.

If, as a filmmaker, I were handed this script, I would look for ways to minimize the dialogue and support its themes visually. The lovers at the beginning and end are a step in the right direction, but they might be a little on-the-nose and make your audience feel like you're pandering to them.

Thanks for a good read,
Clay

[Sean Z P Harris]

Good comments all! Glad to see that this piece has brought forth such excellent and well observed comments.

Indeed, it is a talky piece. I'd say that around 80% of the dialogue is lifted straight from the page of the short story. The main changes I made were the location and the two characters (Also added in the bar maid).

Take heed all of the notes that Mike has made - especially regarding verbs ending -ing.

Of course, these are needed on occasion, but I have read scripts littered with such verbs, and it doesn't make for happy reading - feels more like summary than being there, in the moment, as it were.

Good shouts all!