Logline for my current project

[clayjs]

I'm working on my first feature script, and I'm a little way into the planning phase. Here's my logline as it stands:

When her blind sister is kidnapped by their eccentric grandfather, a shy college student sets out to rescue her under the tutelage of a mysterious watchmaker with the power to stop time.

Any advice or critique or impressions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Clay

[benjacoby]

Sounds like a good concept, Clay. I'd remove a few of the adjectives though, and rework it like this:

When her blind sister is kidnapped, a shy college student sets out to rescue her with the aid of a mysterious watchmaker with the power to stop time.

Just a personal preference in the wording.

[clayjs]

Good point benjacoby, it's often hard to see from the inside which parts of the concept aren't really part of the concept after all. While the grandfather is certainly important to the plot, he's not really at the center of the idea.

Thanks!
Clay

[AlexRinggaard]

I'm definitely no expert on loglines, but I think it kinda works and it kinda doesn't.

I mean it definitely intrigues. I want to read more of this story, but at the same time I feel like I'm getting so much information I don't know what to do with. Mainly it is the adjectives you've used to descripe the characters.

From this outline I can't see any importance in knowing that the sister is blind and the grandfather is eccentric. The shy college student and the mysterious watchmaker makes more sense to me, as it sort of reveals something about the story.

So in conclusion the second half is good, the first half could use some tweaking.

I do hope you write this one day, and put it out here, as I am interested in reading it.

[mscherer]

clayjs,

Like the concept of a watchmaker who has the power to stop time – very cool.

Now, to the logline:
I’m not sure what the stakes are in this story. Sure, an eccentric grandfather kidnaps his blind granddaughter, but eccentric is not evil, or threatening. And why would he kidnap his blind granddaughter? Does she possess some special knowledge, or skill?

I think when you answer those questions we will have a better sense of where you intend to take the story and what type of story it is.

[clayjs]

Thanks everyone for the insight. The time-stopping watchmaker was the center of my initial concept, so I'm very pleased that part seems to be hitting home. As I'm doing more work with plotting, I'm starting to get more of a feel for the parts of the story that are really essential to it. I'll be posting a second attempt tomorrow sometime.

Clay

[clayjs]

Okey dokey, here's a second attempt. I think this one clarifies the stakes a little better while getting rid of secondary information:

'While searching for her kidnapped sister, a shy college student finds herself allied to a mysterious watchmaker in a battle to control the fabric of time.'

I'm not sure how I feel about the train-wreck of prepositions that is the second half of this sentence. Anyone know how I can get those under control while still conveying the same information? Or am I making it worse than it really is?

[mscherer]

Clayjs,

Your first logline had an antagonist (eccentric grandfather), but no stakes. This version has stakes (a battle to control the fabric of time), but no antagonist.

You need to play the What If game:

What if... the grandfather is the mysterious watchmaker?
What if... he has been estranged from the family for years?
What if... the kidnapped granddaughter has inherited the grandfather’s powers?
What if... the antagonist was the grandfather’s apprentice?
What if... the apprentice attempted, but could not, get the grandfather to reveal his ‘secret’?
What if... the apprentice decides to kidnap the granddaughter and ransom her for the knowledge
What if... he slowly comes to realize she has the gift also?

Now the granddaughter is in REAL trouble.

Just some thoughts....

[clayjs]

mscherer,

First, thanks for all your help.

This might be the wrong place for this, but here's kinda where the story (long-form) is going:

Years ago there was a car accident in which Faye and Harly's parents were killed and Harly was blinded. Harly has dreams of the accident in which she sees flashes of her grandfather's (Jacob's) watch. Harly is deeply depressed and hasn't learned to cope well with her blindness, so Faye is taking care of her, and can't really deal with the stress along with the stress of college and life.

Faye misses a date with her boyfriend because Harly calls her, says it's an emergency, turns out to be nothing. Faye blows up at her and runs out, trying to catch him, but it's too late. He dumps her. Faye goes home, Harly's room has been torn apart and Harly is missing. Faye searches everywhere for her, nothing; then she finds Jacob's watch in her room.

She finds her mom's address book in some of her old stuff and calls Jacob's mansion; no answer. She drives there. When she gets there, Jacob is nowhere to be found, but Nick Lately, his former apprentice has taken over the property. Lately tells her that her grandfather is a very dangerous man, and has found a way to control time using a device synced to a special watch. The catch is one can't control time and affect things at the same time, so two people are required, a time-bender and a sword arm, and since the device is tuned only for certain people, only Jacob, Lately, or their blood-relatives can use it. Lately used to be Jacob's sword arm, but he left his service when he got all crazy, so he thinks Jacob probably kidnapped Harly to get to Faye, so he'd have a sword arm again.

Faye agrees to be Lately's sword arm to go after Jacob and get Harly back, but Lately reveals that he wasn't able to re-create the device completely, and his can only stop time, instead of having full control. In exchange for helping her get Harly back, he requests that she gets the jewel from Jacob to complete his device.

Lately trains Faye to be a sword arm and requires Faye to do increasingly heinous things as part of her training. She begins to lose focus and her sense of self. She kills some innocent people on one of her missions, and learns that her boyfriend, Danny, was among them. This information snaps her out of it, and she begins to question Lately's motives. She searches the mansion and finds Harly locked in the basement.

Harly has overheard where Jacob has gone into hiding. Faye breaks her out and they set out to find Jacob and try to stop Lately from getting the jewel. They find Jacob, now a sick old man. Harly turns on them, kills Jacob and takes the jewel back to Lately, who has been training her to use her other senses to compensate for her blindness.

Faye is destitute and doesn't really know what to do, until she stumbles onto Jacob's secret library, and finds his plans for a suit of armor that incorporates the time device, and would allow one to bend time without a sword arm.

Now that he has the jewel, Lately has created a timeless anti-paradise in the distant future in which everyone is his slave. Harly asks him to do as he promised and take her back in time to save her sight, but he refuses. She jumps for the device and breaks off Jacob's jewel, stranding them there.

Faye finally finds them and goes after Lately, but his army of slaves defeat her. Lately seizes her armor and takes off alone. Harly gives the jewel to Faye who sends Harly as sword arm after Lately. They manage to defeat him. The armor returned to them, Faye and Harly go back in time to stop the accident that killed their parents and took Harly's vision, but they learn that the past is fixed and cannot be changed. They return to the present, where Faye decides to go back to her old life, and gives Harly the armor to keep time safe, or something.

Soooooo....I'm pleased at how much of my story you were able to guess from my early draft loglines, since most of your "what if" scenarios were pretty much right on the money. Or does that mean my story's too obvious?

[mscherer]

clayjs,

...since most of your "what if" scenarios were pretty much right on the money. Or does that mean my story's too obvious?

Nope, not obvious at all. Just means great minds think alike ;D