Vulture [Short]

[clayjs]

I shot this with some friends last summer, but I failed miserably at the whole sound thing, so I'm in the process of re-finishing it. Watch for it at vimeo.com/clayjs if you're interested. I appreciate any feedback.

Thanks,
Clay

Attachments:

[mscherer]

Clay,

DISCLAIMER: Please remember anything I write is mere opinion and in no way implies my way is the correct way or even the only way. I try to respond to perceived issues by correcting them the only way I know how: according to my style of writing. You should consider what I have to say, then either ignore my suggestions (which is probably a good idea), or accept my suggestions, but modify in your own style. That said, we are off--

[overall impressions]
I very much enjoyed the story, in particular, the Drifter’s voice. I’m not sure what the point of the story is, but I think it would improve the story if we knew the relationship between the Drifter and the Vulture. Obviously there is one as the two men have been in visual contact for quite some time as they straggle across the Arizona desert.

Is this going to be a feature? Love to read more.

[page by page critique]
Page 1: your descriptions are way too dense. The rule of thumb I have read about (and adhere to) is no more than four lines in your description. You need to break up the black ink as readers like to see a lot of white.

Your character introduction should be in CAPS: A LONE DRIFTER walks along...

Same with the introduction of the next character: A FIGURE halts along...

Here is where I got confused. It took me a while to associate vulture with the figure. I think this could be remedied in your last block of description on this page. You could write something like:

The Vulture is barely human. He is scantly dressed...

Which brings me to one of my pet peeves. This is just me, but I do not like using the verb ‘to be’ in descriptions. For example, you write:
The figure is barely human. He is scantly dressed, and the
few clothes he has are tattered and hang limply on his
malnourished form. His left leg appears broken, and he
drags it behind him. His determination is almost heroic,
but he is so pitifully destitute that one wouldn’t think to
applaud his effort. His eyes are bandaged. He has a huge
grin on his face.

I would suggest:
The Vulture seems barely human.

His tattered clothes hang limply from his malnourished
body as he drags his broken left leg. Bandages cover
his eyes and his face wears a huge grin.

Give the Vulture credit. His heroic determination contrasts sharply
with his destitution.

Page 2: The Drifter’s voice over repeats information you have already given us in the description:

Description: His left leg appears broken, and he drags it behind him.

Dialogue: And this one can barely walk at all.

Love the line: Not sure I remember what friendly feels like.

In your description of the couple you repeat yourself describing them as lethargic, then later stating that their movements are tired and listless.

Page 3: Again you repeat yourself stating in the description that the brook is dry, then having the Drifter say: It’s dry.

I think if you keep the description and have the Drifter say: Where’s your friend. The audience gets the idea that the Drifter understands why the woman brought him to the brook. Just a thought.

Okay, the woman is asleep but the sense I get is that the Drifter never fell asleep. So the question in my mind is how did his gun go missing without him knowing it?

Page 4: the use of the parenthetical (approaching from behind the Drifter) should be a line of description.
The Woman approaches the Drifter from behind.
WOMAN
Brian!

Page 5: Okay, another one of my pet peeves (I have several) is taking the Reader out of the Story Logic. Here you do that for me. I cannot visualize how two grown men can each hold, aim and pull the trigger on a (what I assume to be) revolver. One or the other has to do the dirty deed of killing the woman -- I can’t see how it could be both.

Okay, again, Story Logic. The Vulture just wasted two bullets from the Drifter’s gun. Why wouldn’t the Drifter sacrifice a third to be rid of this guy?

One man’s opinion – mileage may vary – batteries not included.

[clayjs]

mscherer,

Awesome critique. Thank you for taking the time.

I think you're right on the nose with most of it. I adapted this from a short story I wrote, and it's my first work in the screenplay format. The idea of the story was that the Vulture was a figure of the Drifter's imagination, and existed in the place of the Drifter's conscience which he had to squelch to survive in a lawless world. So...anything the Drifter does that has consequences he can't deal with, his mind fills in the Vulture as the cause. For example, Brian shoots the woman and himself, because the Drifter is going to take her away. The Drifter rationalizes this for himself, but somewhere he still knows its his fault. Of course, deep down, the Drifter is afraid that he's imagining the Vulture, which is why he never shoots him, because it would give him proof one way or the other, and he'd have to handle the fact that he's losing his senses. This is also why Brian and the Vulture raise the gun together, because the Vulture is imaginary, but the Drifter knows that he bears some responsibility for Brian's actions. Of course, if this doesn't come across, then the story logic looks broken. Something I'll definitely have to fix.

If I get stalled on the Watchmaker script (Or, God forbid, finish it!), I'll take some time to redraft this one and I'll definitely address your points. Thanks again for all your effort.

Clay

[mscherer]

Clay,

See, I didn't get it... had no way of knowing the Vulture was a fantasy, Soooooooooooooo.............

If it is the case that the Vulture exists only in the Drifter's imagination, then it would be a powerful scene if late in the story you wrote something along these lines:

INT - SHELTER - CONTINUOUS
Brain caresses the drifter’s gun, strokes it lovingly.

DRIFTER’S POV

Brian and the vulture sit side-by-side on a cot. Both grin like idiots.

BACK TO SCENE

DRIFTER
Don’t shoot, friend.

The Woman approaches the Drifter from behind.

WOMAN’S POV

Brian sits alone on the cot.

BACK TO SCENE

WOMAN
Brian!

The Drifter attempts to hold the Woman back. His eyes fixed on the gun.

DRIFTER’S POV

Brian and the Vulture’s smiles disappear in unison as the Vulture’s hand rests on the gun and joins Brian. Together they lift the gun and aim it.

BACK TO SCENE

WOMAN’S POV

Brian squeezes the trigger. A muzzle flash. No sound.

BACK TO SCENE

The GUNSHOT reverberates in the smelter stack.

DRIFTER’S POV

The Woman lies in a pool of crimson, dead.

Brian and the Vulture smile again as they turn the gun on Brian.

BRIAN/VULTURE
Don’t shoot, friend.

The Vulture’s gaze remains riveted on the Drifter as Brian blows his own brains out. The gun drop to the ground.

BACK TO SCENE

The Drifter stands stone still for an eternity, then inches forward cautiously. He bends down, retrieves the gun and faces the cot.

DRIFTER’S POV

The Vulture perches quietly next to Brian’s lifeless body and stares at the Drifter. The Drifter feels antsy, uneasy.

BACK TO SCENE

The Drifter turns and leaves.

In the background the bloody cot cradles Brian’s body.

DRIFTER
I’d put you out of it if I could
spare the bullet.

FADE OUT

Feel free to steal

[clayjs]

mscherer,

Awesome. Thanks for that. It really gets the point across without hitting one on the head with it. I might, in fact, do a little creative pilfering from you when I make that rewrite happen. I Really like the way the descriptions are broken up, too. Really pulls it along.

Thanks again for all the help. I'm suddenly actually looking forward to rewriting this!

Clay

[Sean Z P Harris]

Howdy!

Just read this. Overall, I liked it.

Looks like Mike has pretty much covered every base with his comments (and suggestions).

The first V.O. is kinda long and appears to have a space in the middle of it. Perhaps you can break this speech up with some action in the middle, something along the lines of:

The Drifter drags a dirty rag from his pocket, mops his brow.

Summit like that (but obviously better!).

[mbarrett]

Hi Clay,
Just read it and really like the voice of the Drifter. I pretty much agree with the above comments, but I do have one to add.

Instead of having so much voice over - you could just have the Drifter talking. We catch his lips move with a close up and then you back away realizing that he's pretty much talking to himself. It would give the visualization that he is not right in the head. The other thing you could put in there to give a little bit more idea behind the Vulture not being real is to have it seem like a mirage when he's first viewed way back from where the Drifter is. Then the reader or viewer gets the idea that it might not be real.

I'll take a look at the movie in a bit. Thanks for sharing.
Mark

[clayjs]

Thanks Mark and Sean for the reads. Mark, actually the movie's not up yet. Still working on it. I'll post in this thread when I get it finished.

Clay

[clayjs]

Alright folks, I finally sat down and revised this crazy thing. Thanks to all of you who critiqued it, Especially Mike, whose advice I followed very closely (though probably not as closely as he'd like) in my revision, and also Sean and Mark, both of whom also made significant contributions.

Revisions: Per Mike, I made a big effort to break up action blocks into less chewy chunks and to make them as ACTIVE as possible. I tend to have a very passive voice when I write, which is something I'm trying to nip in the bud. I did leave a few passive and "to be" constructions where I felt they were necessary. For example, the phrase "The Vulture is nearly human," since it deals very directly with his state of being, requires a "be" verb. Mike's revision of it "The Vulture SEEMS nearly human" is still basically a "be" construction, it just doesn't commit to the statement. Also, I revised parentheticals that showed action into just action lines.

Per Sean, I added a quick action block in between the two paragraphs of the Drifter's first V.O. It isn't as specific an action as you suggested, but I think it still helps to show how the time is spent visually between the Drifter's ideas.

Per Mike and Mark, I THINK I've come a little closer to making it more obvious to the reader that the Vulture is imaginary. I took advice from both of you on how to do this -- very good suggestions, thanks! There's a chance I didn't go far enough with it for either of you, but I envisioned this short like a Steely Dan song, where you get a lot of information that can only be put together when you figure out the piece that's missing. I realize, however, that your audience has to really trust your logic for that to work and I hadn't really earned that trust yet. In the revision I tried to be as obvious as possible without spoon-feeding anyone. Let me know how I did.

Mark, I decided to keep the voice-over rather than let the Drifter babble to himself. Even though he's sort of insane, he's a useful sort of insane, since his little Vulture fantasy allows him to do what he needs to do to survive (and get his rocks off). It is imperative that he's relatable, and that we believe what he's telling us about the story world (because it's essentially true), and I don't think that could happen if he's just flat-out batty.

A few things I'm struggling with:
I tried consistently to capitalize character indicators (Woman, Drifter, and Vulture), but I find lowercase ones every time I read through. If you notice any of those lowercase on your next read, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know. I'm having a little trouble introducing Brian in the action lines. I think it's hilarious (I'm probably wrong) that he has a name but nobody else does, and I really like Brian being his official name, but getting from YOUNG MAN to BRIAN in the action feels a little awkward. Please let me know if you have any suggestions about how to do that better. Also, I'm still not really sure how the Vulture character comes across. I think I'm doing what I want to do with him, but I'm also kind of groping in the dark, so any advice on that is still VERY welcome.

Otherwise, keep the notes coming about anything and everything that bugs you about the story or the script or that you feel can be done better. I feel like I've learned so much here already, and I already feel like I'm becoming a better writer, but I've got a long way to go. Thanks, and Keep firing!

Clay

Attachments:

[mbarrett]

Hi Clay,
Downloaded. I will take a look at it in a day or so and give you what notes I can. Thanks for sharing.
Mark

[mbarrett]

Clay - Sorry about it taking so long to get back to you. Life sometimes gets in the way.

My notes are not to offend you in any way. I'm just trying to help and I'm by no means an expert. Just a novice, trying to learn and get better. Here goes.


Cover Page – Love your email addy.

Page 1 – I don’t think you need to put in there that – he has been walking for a long time. We get all that by the description you gave of what he looks like.

Instead of – Still walking. The road stretches out infinitely before and behind him. Maybe – Drifter drags his tired body, step by step, down the road that seems to stretch to infinity.

Instead of – The Drifter crests a hill and stops to look at the road below him. A hazy impression of a Figure halts along the lower road, unsteady but determined. Maybe - The Drifter stops at a crest in the road, looks down to the barren landscape before him and notices a FIGURE down below.

Page 2 – My main problem is that you are saying FIGURE to describe a man and then you say it’s a vulture. Maybe you could say something like – The Vulture resembles a human form with what looks like tattered clothing hanging from his appendages.

A young malnourished COUPLE sits inside. Their movements are tired and listless. (I would get rid of - They are starving to death.)

Page 3 – The couple spots him, but don’t move.

Page 4 – I would get rid of It is now late afternoon. Just put it in the scene – EXT. – BROOK – LATE DAY.

I’m confused with the Drifter looking over at his empty holster. Why is it empty? On page 3 – you had him collect up everything including the pistol.

Page 5 and 6 are still very confusing with the Vulture. I’m not sure how you would film that. How does a vulture help the guy aim the gun? I’m not trying to be difficult, it’s just hard for me to imagine it.

Page 6 – Change Scene header to – EXT. – A CLEARING – DUSK.

I really really think that the VO should be taken out and direct voice put in for the character. It would add so much more to this short than trying to have the voice over and then the imaginary vulture. At least if you put the character speaking – we can somehow grasp the imaginary vulture more clearly or understand it better.

I hope these make sense. Like I always say - you can take em' and use them or chuck em' out.

Thanks for sharing.
Mark

[clayjs]

Mark,

Thanks for the notes. Looks like there's still some stuff I have to clean up and make much clearer.

I'll clear up a few things here, just so I'll have a plan of attack.

First, the Vulture IS Human (or would be if he wasn't imaginary). He's called the Vulture because he's part of a post-apocalyptic societal class that completely lives by scavenging. I use the word FIGURE until I've described him, because I don't want people to imagine a literal vulture. I'll have to look back at the VO to see how I can make that more clear. Does knowing that clear up the problems on page 5 and 6, (I can imagine how laughable it must have seemed to think about a literal vulture aiming a gun) or is there something more I need to do there as well?

Second, the holster's empty because Brian stole the gun while they were sleeping. He kills the Woman and himself because he caught her sleeping next to the Drifter. Any suggestions on how to make that more clear?

About the time of day references, I originally had them like you suggest, where the scene headings were like: EXT. CLEARING - DUSK, for example, but I read somewhere recently that you should only use DAY and NIGHT. I don't know if that's really the case or if I got bad info; in fact I find it really unnecessarily difficult to deal with times of day like DUSK and SUNRISE using only DAY and NIGHT. If anyone has any info on what the convention is and why, please fill me in. Until then, I'm going to change them back like you suggest, because I agree that it reads much better that way.

Your first three line notes are very apt and I think I'll use some variation of all of them.

Still not going to make the Drifter talk to himself, though.

Thanks again for reading and taking the time to critique. Sorry to ask so many questions, thus making more work for you, but I really appreciate the time you've put into this.

Clay

[mbarrett]

Clay -

For the Vulture - you could say something like this - The Drifter stops at a crest in the road, looks down to the barren landscape before him and notices a FIGURE down below. He is called VULTURE. Simple and probably not the best, but then all the confusion goes away. Now I know it's a guy and his name is Vulture.

For the gun I would do something like.
The Woman walks up behind him and places her hand on his back. Drifter turns to face the Woman.
DRIFTER - Where's your friend?
She pulls off her over-shirt.
WOMAN - He's still sleeping.

Drifter undoes his belt and the gun drops to the dirt. CU on GUN with dust swirling into the air.

Then you could roll with the rest.

Now if you are filming this yourself - you can focus in on the gun in the dirt and then when they wake you could focus off the empty holster in the dirt to the Woman and the Drifter. She wakes and looks over to the holster which is empty.

Once you have both of those things figured out it will make it more understandable. Keep in mind this is only my interpretation to your story. I would see if anyone else will chime in.

And - Damn it! Why keep the voice overs? Hahaha. LOL. Just kidding. It's your story not mine.

Last thing you mentioned something about the DAY and NIGHT. I heard that also, but I would use Dusk or Late Day or what you want because if you didn't - you would have to write a description about what time of day it is. Just my thought. I really don't know why it is a strict issue with the DAY, MORNING, NIGHT...

No problem with the questions. Glad I can help.

Thanks.
Mark