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Post by churnage on Feb 17, 2012 22:17:05 GMT -5
Mark,
Just started this. Got up to page 10.
So far, I'm intrigued. I want to see what happens.
You have a lot of description... You should tighten that up as best as you can. An action script should be fast-moving and lots of description slows down the action.
A few minor notes below.
P. 2
--this should be Page 1. You need an unnumbered title page.
--shouldn't it be FADE IN?
--for dashes, use two hyphens together
--insert comma between "kid" & "I'
--"been in this scenario before"... better way to say, a bit unclear.
--Cap "SPURT"
P. 3
--lots of description. Probably could be tightened.
--"works for Bobby Vincent" -- can you convey this info through dialogue?
--remove comma after "who"
--should be SMASH CUT TO (throughout)
P. 4
--hyphenate "high-intensity"
--lower-case "scalpel"
--Cap "EXPLODES"
--lower-case "man's"
P. 5
--Change "spews" to "SHOOTS"
--Cap "LAUGHS"
--delete "behind him"
--change "WURR" to "WHIR"
--change "it's" to "its"
P.6
--"deadbeat" is one word
--Cap "RINGING"
--extra line space at bottom of page (on P. 7, too)
--Cap "SLAMS"
--Cap "SOUNDS"
--delete "tat's"
P. 8
--lower-case "shrugs"
--change slug to "BOBBY'S CADILLAC ESCALADE"
--delete "in the craphole neighborhood" ... already established
--extra line space
--should be "CHINESE COOKS"... "cooks" (no apostrophe) (this is throughout)
P. 9
--tighten description on Chinese woman
--Caps "YELLS"
--Caps "DING"
--delete "in English" in parenthetical... already told us this
P. 10
--two uses of "pick up" back to back... change one
--tighten the kiss description... getting way flowery
--Cap "DINGS"
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Post by mbarrett on Feb 18, 2012 14:50:52 GMT -5
Hi Churn, Thanks for giving the first ten pages a read. I appreciate it. I will take your notes into account. Thank you. Mark
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Post by churnage on Feb 19, 2012 16:31:02 GMT -5
Mark,
Through page 20.
Pretty fast-paced & frenetic. Had a hard time believing GM was still alive.
Suggestions below (if you disagree, please disregard.).
P. 11
--Need "I'm in love" voiceover or the "You're welcome buddy" line?
--delete description "it's rhetorical..."
--don't get the scene with him falling
P. 12
--"squirms across the street" -- better way to say?
--delete "He" in description... "Pulls out..." & "Walks to the edge" & "Looks around." etc. This can be done throughout when describing the actions of the character who has just spoken.
--better description about the interior of the subway train... Does it have graffitti? Trash? Just old?
P. 13
--"eyesore" is one word
--should be "snub-nosed"... delete rest of gun description
--"Wind RUSTLES against a windowpane."
--change "down low" to "low"
--"doorway" is one word
P. 14
--Cap CHIRP-CHIRP throughout
--Cap "GAGS"
P. 15
--Not sure how GM can still alive after he was shot at close-range multiple times. Seems very unlikely.
--Cap "EXPLODES"
--change "dive's" to "dives"
--Cap "RIPS"
P. 16
--why underline "shit"?
--insert comma between "again" and "he's" & lowercase "junkie"... not sure what junkie he's referring to... Chin Chan?
--Cap "FLY"
--need to have him fall over TWO fences? Pretty similar description.
--delete "A sickening crack..." CAP "MOANS"... probably don't need Ricky's dialogue that follows either
--Cap "LURCHES"
P. 17
--Delete... "The surgeon's widely feared..." This info must be conveyed through characters' actions and dialogue.
--Cap "REVS"
--Cap "SLAMS"
P. 18
--insert comma between "me" & "Boss"
--Cap "CLOMP-CLOMP"
P. 19
--change "YOUR" to "YOU'RE" (throughout)
--the action is confusing with Ricky climbing out the window and fighting Vito. If Ricky is still in the apartment, why can't Bobby shoot if he has a "vantage point"?
P. 20
--hyphenate "pissed-off"
--should be "coke-bottle glasses"
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Post by churnage on Feb 22, 2012 21:52:24 GMT -5
Just focusing on the major stuff. Up to page 30.
P. 20-21... found it hard to believe the woman being tattooed just sits there as a murder's being committed and lets the surgeon use murder weapon on her to finish the tattoo.
P. 23. Confused. Ricky tells Dutch that GM was "cut up". I thought he was shot point-blank range at least half a dozen times.
P. 23-24 -- Ricky & Dutch's conversation could be cut. Tells us stuff we already know. Also avoid commentaries in the description--"Nice fucking advice Dutch." Show it through the characters.
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Post by mbarrett on Feb 23, 2012 10:45:01 GMT -5
Churnage - thank you for the great notes. I really appreciate it.
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Post by churnage on Feb 24, 2012 23:11:00 GMT -5
Up to page 40.
P. 31
--don't need to say "from earlier"
P. 32
--wasn't the Golden Palace already described?
--Like the surprise of Mei being there
P. 34
--Ricky had to see Mei drop Wu... too unbelievable if he doesn't
P. 35
--Need a description of JAGS... he's a new character
P. 37
--Bobby, shouldn't it be "GM, you know him?"
P. 39
--change to "find him dead"
P. 40
--JAGS is introduced five pages after his appearance
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Post by mbarrett on Feb 26, 2012 7:04:54 GMT -5
Churnage, I was thinking that Ricky might think it's too unbelievable. I'll see what I can do about rewording it to make him see out of the corner of his eye - but not totally believing it.
I'll change JAGS description to when we first meet him.
Thank you. Mark
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Post by churnage on Feb 26, 2012 20:12:49 GMT -5
On Mei's scene, if you really don't want him to see her in action, he should be distracted big time. But what's the point? Is there a payoff later?
On to the next 10 pages... up to page 51.
It's getting a bit repetitive. One chase morphs into another chase. Doesn't seem to be building to something.
P. 41
--Good description --- "Fort Knox on steroids"
--Ricky's "this guy is a whack job"... not believable... do you even need?
-P. 42
--where does he get a locking bar? Is this something the owner would have?
--them missing him at close range seems pretty implausible
P. 43
--why didn't he pull out his gun sooner?
P. 44
--who's Rigs? Should use another name... too close to Jags.
--why doesn Jags kill Mei?
--what happens to Rigs? He disappeared.
P. 46
--Ricky's VO seems cheesy
P. 47
--"it's complicated" -- cliche. Used earlier too, I think.
--"been through" both in the description & dialogue... get rid of one
--do movies still have ushers?
P. 48
--Foxy "you been at"... word missing?
P. 49
--rework "rifles" description... verbose
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Post by churnage on Feb 28, 2012 22:15:51 GMT -5
Up to page 68. Some nice action scenes, but at times I feel lost in the blur of chase scenes.
Also, Ricky needs to have a plan to get the money beside from the dead GM. As a protagonist, he's being totally reactive, instead of active.
P. 51
--Delete "It's too big to fit."
P. 54
--"We may be in trouble." Super-obvious.
P. 55
--not getting Ricky-Dutch relationship... which could be good if it's revealed later.
--Probably should do a SMASH CUT TO as you transition from car to apartment...
P. 58-59.. probably don't need the kung fu flashback
P. 62
--why don't the Triads kill Ricky?
P. 67-68
--I'm having trouble believing Ricky is still alive after all the beating he has taken so far
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Post by mbarrett on Mar 1, 2012 8:24:54 GMT -5
Churnage, I tried to break up some of the chase scenes with his Dad and Mei, but maybe I've lost that along the way. I'll revisit that and see what I can do. Thanks.
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Post by churnage on Mar 1, 2012 23:09:58 GMT -5
Mark,
Finished the script. What follows are just my opinions. If you disagree with them, please disregard.
What I Liked
Cool title. Strong concept. Your main character is caught in a crossfire between two criminal organizations, the loan sharks & the Triads. Lots of conflict & action.
Fast-paced. Moves along quickly. Length is in the ballpark (could be shorter with tightening & trimming).
What Needs Work
A lot.
1) Main character isn't active enough. Once Ricky goes to GM's, he's always reactive. Needs to have a plan to get the money. If the first plan doesn't work out, needs another plan.
2) The Plot. Turns into one long chase, which gets repetitious.
3) Formatting, Grammar & Spelling -- many errors throughout. You want to make your script an easy read, but this was often a slow slog due to all those "little errors."
4) Probability. Just had trouble believing significant parts of the script... Ricky incurs multiple savage beatings and is able to bounce back immediately... the bad guys could have killed him and Mei numerous times, but for some reason they never do...
You have a good idea. You need to refine it the best way you can.
Keep scribblin'
Greg
PS
Minor edits for the last section below:
P. 70
--"to reveal we have switched scenes." Not needed.
P.72
--change "take me out back" to "take him out back"
P. 75
--extra spaces after "He moves into view."
--Nice use of flashback
P. 78
--bottom, double use of "breaks" in description
P. 77-79
--Don't believe that Bobby would let Ricky just walk into the restaurant
P. 81
--Not buying Bobby standing up in the middle of a shootout
P. 88
--Not buying Ricky coming to consciousness so quickly
P. 92
--Not buying Ricky's escape from the Triads
P. 94
--"full brevity" wrong phrase
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