Hello, again, Mark.
I decided to open your script and get started on it when some plans fell through. Typically I do line notes for scripts when I read because I know what it's like to get feedback that references a problem but doesn't get specific. I like to get more so I try to give me. Also, I avoid reading any other comments about the script before I post mine so that I'm not influenced by others.
Now the problem: When I say line notes, I mean I stop and record, for example, that a sentence on page three doesn't read well, doesn't flow. Or I'll point out that on page ten, you have your character names switched over the dialogue.
For your script, I had two pages of notes before I gave up on page 6. And it was only two pages because I could tell this is new to you so I was trying to be tolerant. I'll start with them and then give you my impressions.
Pg2 (pg 1 after title page)-The hand that turns the page; is it an adult or child? I only ask because Ricky speaks of childhood memories but it's a voice over so you probably want to be more specific.
---At your description of the knuckles. "...have been in this scenerio before." tells us nothing. Knuckles can be in a condition or perhaps in a sleeve but they can't be in a scenerio.
---You're probably going to take more than a few hits, if not an outright beating, for your camera directions.
---After you introduce RICKY JONES (30)... Drop the ellipsis.
Pg3-Don't split the dialogue for the V.O. A good reader can see it, no need to pull them by the nose.
---Same with your scene descriptions. Show the "..spit trail". INT - ROOM - DAY New scene description with ..."A trail of blood" Again, a good reader will see it.
Pg4-"Pan becomes small....rest of room comes into view." Stop doing the director's job. You're the writer. Write it.
---If "darks walls, dark floor, single door & old style shade" are important to the story or metaphorically matter, fine, otherwise stop pulling us by the nose.
---Most tables are flat. Leave it at 'stainless steel'.
---Surgeon---"could be called that"---What? Tell us what we need to know. Show us what's happening. You identified him as a surgeon. You show us his skills and use SURGEON for his character name in ALL CAPS! What are you talking about?
---Does Wu being chubby matter? And is he "called" Wu or is that his name?
---Do we need to know it's PROPYPHOL? The bad guys always stick a needle in a medicine bottle. Unless the reason he uses PROPYPHOL specifically is spelled out later, you're wasting too much time explaining here.
---Why would the unconcious man's arm fall limply BEFORE the injection? He was just fighting everyone off?
Pg 5-Wu laughs at what just happens---How about -- Wu laughs at Liu's pain.
---Wu closes the door behind him. Is Wu in or out of the room?
---Again with the splitting scenes and descriptions with ellipsis/CUT TO.
---How can Ricky use a hand dryer with his hands on the wall? Reads wrong. Does he have an automatic hand dryer in his house? Perhaps BATHROOM isn't enough of a scene header to tell us where he is.
Pg 6-Stopping line notes; it will take me a week on just the basics:
--Stop splitting scenes/descriptions. It's the director's job.
--Be sure your descriptions accurately describe
--Stop with the ellipsis
--Everyone knows a phone RING-RING-RINGS
--Your scene headings need more. APARTMENT doesn't tell the reader WHOSE apartment it is.
--(Pg 8) ...red rug carpet. Come on!
--Everything is too novelistic. Yours----"Back in the day it would have been a palatial palace (which is redundent). How about---Human feces defies the old room's former elegance.
--Learn YOUR vs YOU'RE. YOU'RE a writer, it's YOUR job.
--If you clean this up and write it correctly, you're going to have barely 80 pages of script.
--(pg 13) Perfect. This is a word. Not a sentence. It doesn't answer a prior questioin. What's its purpose?
Honestly I stopped reading at page 8. I stopped skimming at page 20 because I had read twenty pages and couldn't tell you what was going on if I had to. It needs structure. It needs a beginning that leads to a middle and hopefully an end. This reads like someone describing a video game that has you moving from room to room, dark alley to dark bathroom to dark pool hall doing the same thing over and over and over---fighting the bad guys. Over and over and over ad naseam.
I'm not trying to be cruel, Mark, but this needs a lot of work. Read some scripts. Cue in on the changes that take place in the story that set things up for the next thing to happen. Give it another good, strong rewrite and bring it back. Seriously, though, nail the basics or you're really just shooting an intangible idea out to the world and ideas are like a**holes. You get the idea.
I wish you luck and remember to be patient. Writing is hard, time consuming and merciless. If I can help, let me know.