The Myth of Sleep

[churnage]

Hey fellow SWUers,

I'd like to get your feedback. Logline is below.

Thanks,

Greg

When a rock star dies unexpectedly, there’s a mad scramble to find his last recordings. Who gets there first? The local rock critic, the singer's unscrupulous manager or a younger rival? Or does the rock star find ways to manipulate the outcome from beyond the grave?

This is an edgy mystery/thriller with dark, comedic elements. Think The Doors meets Pulp Fiction.

Attachments:

[mscherer]

Greg,

I have downloaded you script and should have notes for you by next weekend -- slow reader ;D

Keep Writing!

[churnage]

Mike,

Sounds good.

thanks,

Greg

[oz]

Hi Greg. I got through your script today and want to share my notes. First my line notes then overall impressions.

Pg2--at paranthetical "a tad insincere"---really good, tells us a great deal
--at REPORTER's opening---he's just repeating what we've already learned and he's on location supposedly interviewing Cameron but he doesn't ask Cameron anything.
--I think McClanahan's dialogue would either be (filtered) or you need to give us another scene heading. You go back to him without either & it's confusing. And for that matter, the exchange with the camerman reads like he and Cameron are still talking during the interview. Need to clean that up.

Pg5--in Skynard's lyric....Southern man don't need him around, anyhow.

Pg11--Padowski's line '..with me leaving the band" reads clunky and too on the nose. How about "I'm being an ass, I know. I just need a new gig."

Pg13--"Fuck the tapes! What about us?" I don't know if you mean this to be foreshadowing but it just doesn't work. If you want to reveal they know each other, maybe need to work on that.

Pg10-13---You have CONDO - DAY then CAMERON'S - EVENING then CONDO with no DAY/NIGHT indication and again CONDO with no indicator; getting confusing.

Pg15--"voted artist of the year....." We've heard all this already, just start at "Is this how..."

Pg27--Confused about the TIMEFRAME of your script. Pg 4 you show us wordprocessors, Pg 16 you show us pay phones and then at 27 you show us IKEA??

Pg31--I'd drop the change counting from the clerk. Too on the nose, boring and doesn't sound authentic.

Pg31-32--You had a SUPER of "4 years earlier" but not sure where that ends. With Jansen @ the 7-11 or Cameron at the press conference?

Pg35--Doesn't read clear as to Past or Present at the end of Kilwood's statement.
---Need to drop the comma at Cameron's ....what laboratory were you...
---Honestly think you can lose the whole scene with Cameron & Wilson at the vending machines.

Pg38--I'd drop Sonja/Cameron scene. You don't need to set up the lunch tryst.
---Kilwood's last dialogue, ...thrive on bad press... drop the 'a'.

Pg39--I'd drop Lynn's "Think, Lynn, think..." dialogue completely and just show us her freaking out.

Pg40--I don't understand the line about Sonja's hand strumming Cameron's hand at all????

Pg45--You have to decide how you want to emphasize things. You have ALL CAPS, underline, double underline. Choose one and stick with it.

Pg46--A lot of the dialogue throughout is too on the nose. "Pardon me while I puke..." Would he really say that in that situation? I'd just show it.

Pg51--You're starting to use too many ellipsis.
--Boggs winds down window? Might want to rework that.
--You've completely stopped telling us if it's day or night in your scene headings??

Pg53--Why would Cameron call to pull a joke on Hoffman? It just doesn't fit the tone at that moment and it seems really out of place.

Pg54--Need to correct line....How did you get it?
---Hoffman on cameron's radio should be (filtered)

Pg55--The Rat's Nest

Pg56--Killwood is all PR, he wouldn't slip with the ....would have been, I mean, is, his birthday.." Dialogue throughout needs to stay consistent with character

Pg57--I don't understand Hoffman and Cameron exchange here at end of 57, top of 58:??

Pg60--Leverson's voice needs work throughout. You introduce him an unflappable but he 'flaps' throughout ; )

Pg65--You should really tighten up your scene headings. Whose KITCHEN ??
---"Sounds like 60 year old..." You don't need this at all.

Pg69--Why would Cameron give kilwood a history lesson of his own client's work? Really doesn't read authentic!

Pg74--If Jansen wanted to disappear, why did he go home?

Pg 78--Why ALL CAPS at the start of Brett's dialogue?

Pg85--The ongoing with Wilson and Cameron really needs to be set up better earlier because it just doesn't make sense how they come out of the blue to irritate each other this late in the game.

Pg97--Suddenly it's reading like Abbott and Costello with the PLAN??? Don't try to make it comical at the climax.

Pg100--Kilwood wouldn't be stumped by DATs. This is a big-time manager/agent. He's not going to fumble a press conference, he's thoroughly schooled on his clients and he knows the technology. It just doesn't ring true that everything's spelled out for this guy at every turn.

Pg102---Why doesn't anyone recognize Jansen? His manager, his former band mate, no one recognizes him? Wasn't Cameron just chasing him? Doesn't make sense.

Pg104--Padowski's line...they got another tonight. ????

Overall I get what you are trying to achive here. I think you overdo the mob crowd scenes but that may just be an issue of the descriptive writing as opposed to a plot point. I don't think your characters sound authentic throughout. For example, at the end, it's Padowski who is the smartest one in the room? Are you kidding me? I don't mean to be rude but that REALLY didn't ring authentic. I don't think the Sonja/Cameron relationship adds anything to the story. I also think the attempt at humor is often lost because it's poorly placed in the wrong scenes. For example, there are several times when you want Cameron to have a smart ass answer at the end of a scene but it just doesn't work because of the scene. It's all tension and danger and then he has a cute end-scene one-liner. You either need to set him up as a smart ass in EVERY situation or those lines just fall flat.

I think the script has potential but I'd really focus on your characters. If you get their voices authentic, they might surprise you and shape a scene a bit differently adding some sub-text to your story making it bigger. I also wonder if you aren't missing a major component of the story but I'm not sure what to suggest. It may be as simple as you deciding--even if you don't reveal---what the truth is about Jansen. As it reads, I don't think you even know if he's alive or not. Knowing this will help shape things. Perhaps the brother needs to be a bigger part of it. Perhaps there needs to be sightings of Jansen and that's all over the airwaves. I wish I could put my finger on it but, in my opinion, there's something missing.

Give it another go. Perhaps even re-outlining at this point will help you see what's cohesive and what's not. Concentrate on your characters and their voices and throw it up here again and I'll help however I can. Good luck and don't give up!! ; )

ps---I don't understand the title, either. Was that the name of a song and I missed it?

[churnage]

Oz,

Thanks for the comments... and reading it so quickly.

I'll take a look at everything.

Greg

[clayjs]

Greg,

Just downloaded it. Sounds like a great story and I'm really looking forward to it. I'll try to comment before the weekend.

Clay

[churnage]

Clay,

Thanks for your interest.

Greg

[clayjs]

Greg,

Just finished reading your script, and thought I'd share some impressions.

First, my general disclaimer: I'm a total beginner at this -- I'm still working on my first draft of my first feature script, so I'm just applying stuff I've read to your work. Try not to take anything I say too seriously -- there's a good chance it's nonsense. Also, I never make line notes on the first draft I read of something. I always read for broad things like character and plot and whether it works or not first, and then get picky about things like grammar and stuff later on.

Now, on to the meat and potatoes:

As I said after reading your logline, I think you're working with a very interesting concept, but I'm not sure you get all the beef out of it that you could.

At the heart of the story you have an interesting mystery OR you have a character study OR you have some kind of weird philosophical dialogue about the nature of life and death. Each of those is a valid undertaking, and they can all be part of your story, but they can't all be at the center of it. What you have constructed is some kind of strange genre mess that conflicts with itself.

Your mystery is constantly undercut by a driving need to reveal EVERYTHING. You start the script off with a bold notation that there are THREE bodies in the plane wreckage instead of four. Jansen sits in an abandoned theater, which, granted, could be some kind of rock-star afterlife, talking to himself, but he also calls people, mails them stuff, buys donuts, and acts directly on people and objects. Still, somehow, no one is sure by the end if he's alive or not. The mystery ended on PAGE 1. If you want it to be a mystery (I want it to be a mystery) show some restraint. Keep Jansen in his theater talking about life and death if you must, but keep him out of the real world. Have his influence, the tapes, his family, his fans, manipulate people for him. If he's dead, he doesn't have the luxury of buying donuts. If he's not and he's pretending to be, still no donuts.

Your character study is constantly undercut by your mystery. Can we care about a character who is talking to himself in an abandoned theater if we know he's alive? Can a character be relatable and still spout rock-n-roll banalities about pepperoni eyes? Of course, Jansen isn't your protagonist. Cameron is. But what does Cameron learn about himself? He starts off kind of a sad sack, and ends up a sad sack who doesn't have the tapes and can't use the vending machine, and who possibly got the girl, but can't possibly hold on to her in the long term because he's a sad sack. A movie is a journey of discovery for your protagonist. Whatever your genre, he should start off looking for the tapes and eventually find whatever it is that makes him a complete human being, or that at least gives him the power to choose to be one. Or he should start off knowing where the tapes are and being too weak to get them, eventually learn that he has the power of Greyskull, and then whoop some ass.

I think there are a couple of films you should look at for inspiration. After meeting the Cameron character, knowing the mystery elements should be present, I really wanted an experience kind of like the movie Zodiac (2007) from this. Zodiac is about a reporter who throws away his entire life to solve an unsolvable mystery and eventually grows to hate the person he has become. He has a fascinating arc, and although the Zodiac killer is constantly taunting him and is the absolute backbone of the story, he's also just a McGuffin, because the nature of the beast is completely inconsequential. All that matters is the way the reporter grows and learns. I also wanted Cameron to be more like Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. He's also a sad sack, but he has a quiet dignity, an unquestionable self-assurance that makes him a great mentor to the protagonist. Of course, since Lester Bangs is just a supporting character, he doesn't HAVE to arc, which makes that much easier.

Also, your exposition needs some work. Your first act has people reveal through dialogue EVERYTHING we learn about Bill Jansen, except that he isn't very good at hiding and he's so self-obsessed that even when he interviews himself he doesn't give a straight answer to a simple question. On average, a script can get away with one or two good, short, info-dump scenes. More if you're Joseph Mankiewicz. But, supposedly, the trick is to have something ridiculously interesting going on at the same time so no one notices. Something I was reading recently brought up an exposition scene in 12 Monkeys where Brad Pitt's character is listening to important information while trying to decide what to do with a spider that he eventually eats. His action has ZERO bearing on the story. The dialogue explains away everything the audience needs to know. The dialogue is boring. The action is fascinating.

Also, you should make a point of NEVER having a character tell another character something he already knows. There is a scene early on where your villains explain to each other what the ramifications are of Jansen's sales figures, with each line prefaced with things like "Of course your realize this means..." Maybe, make this scene into a phone call with one of the characters' out-of-the-loop wives where he's telling her why he's having a bad day.

There are also back to back scenes where characters hear the mystery tape and try to determine whether it's really Jansen or not. Why can't they be in the same room or car when they play the tape for the first time and then have a brief conversation about it? It saves time AND effort.

Again, I think you have a really good concept, and you have some elements that are beginning to come together into something that works, but I think you need to sit down and REALLY CONSIDER what you're trying to accomplish with your script -- then cut out EVERYTHING that doesn't bring it closer to that goal, and add in more stuff that does. Whatever other complaints I have brought up here, the script's biggest weakness is a lack of focus. Find that focus and throw everything you have at it.

Clay

[churnage]

Clay,

Thanks for reading the script. Appreciate the comments. Will take a look at them.

Greg

[mscherer]

DISCLAIMER:
Please remember anything I write is mere opinion and in no way implies my way is the correct way or even the only way. I try to respond to perceived issues by correcting them the only way I know how: according to my style of writing. You should consider what I have to say, then either ignore my suggestions (which is probably a good idea), or accept my suggestions, but modify in your own style. That said, we are off--

[overall impressions]
Your SLUG lines need to be more descriptive and consistent. For example on page 52 the SLUG reads: INT. STUDIO but then on page 53 you have INT. RADIO STUDIO.

Overall, I thought the premise/concept was excellent, however, the script itself did not fulfill the promise. Who’s story was this? Not Jensen’s. Not Cameron’s. Not Kilwood’s. The only character who changes is Padowski. Throughout the script he is a drug-crazed loser until he has his Epiphany in the bathroom while contemplating suicide. In the end, he seems to have his life back on track and ready to jump-start his music career. For everyone else, life goes on.

When I finished reading the script I asked myself: What was the point of the script?

The promise of your script was based on the conceit: Did Jensen survive the crash or not? It should have explored Jensen’s story, his motives. Why did he go through all the trouble of returning? How did he escape death in that plane crash? What is it Jansen was searching for? Something profound must have happened to him in that crash to change his attitude toward life and music. What was it?

You should keep the ‘missing tapes’ in the script -- they act as the McGuffin (a Hitchcock thing) and are the one thing that brings all of the characters together. The tapes should reveal Jensen’s motives, thinking and instruct the audience/reader, and the other characters, exactly what it was the Jensen discovered when he nearly died.

As I said, great premise/concept, wrong story.

[page by page critique]
Page 2: Could not tell if the transition from ‘Cameron can’t help but watch himself…’ to EXT. CUSTARD’S LAST STAND NIGHTCLUB was part of the interview or if we are now in ‘real’ time.

Page 4: Have to ask: would an alternative newspaper (assumes small circulation) be able to support TWO rock critics? Just asking.

Page 13: Didn’t catch the meaning of:
CAMERON
Fuck the tapes! What about us?

Page 16: “In the typewriter, a blank page...” Hmmm. This is 1989, wouldn’t he have a computer?

Page 19: “PEOPLE from 20s to 50s, dominated by college kids, stream down the sidewalks, going in and out of bars and restaurants.”

Sounds a tad clunky. Maybe something along the lines of:
A mix of PEOPLE, mostly college kids, stream along the sidewalks, going in and out of bars and restaurants.

Page 31: Need a transition between the 1985 FLASHBACK and the PRESENT:
More GROANS. Jansen walks off. Kilwood walks on...

INT. NEWSSTAND – AFTERNOON

Page 35: Need transition again, from 1985 FLASHBACK to the PRESENT:
Cameron’s eyes narrow to slits. He takes a folding chair and
SMASHES the boombox.

INT. THE MISSING PIECE, VENDING AREA - EARLY AFTERNOON

Page 39: Again… need some transition so the audience/reader does not get lost and confused:
HEAVY BREATHING from Cameron and Sonja.

INT. CONCERT HALL
A younger Jansen up on the stage with band, playing the same song. CROWD going wild.

Page 41: misspelling of PEEK

Page 55: Your SLUG reads: THE RAT’S NEXT - AFTERNOON Did you mean THE RAT’S NEST? Also, in the previous SLUG you have the press conference taking place in the EVENING, yet the folks at The Rat’s Nest(?) are watching it in the AFTERNOON.

Page 56: The FAA does not investigate plane crashes. That is the purview of the National Transportation Safety Board.

Page 60: might want to change the SLUG from INT. ROOM, CHEAP MOTEL - NIGHT to something like: INT. CHEAP MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT.

Page 63 - 64: Don’t understand the idea behind Sonja and the ‘Hot Lesbian’. How does this advance the story? Besides, Cameron never sees the ‘Hot Lesbian’ so what was the point?

Page 64: No transition between FLASHBACK and PRESENT.

Page 72: Typo:
CAMERON
What if they are no tapes?

THEY should be THERE.

Page 79: Never saw a SLUG like this:
INT. MISSING PIECE - AS BEFORE Should be either CONTINUOUS or SAME, but not AS BEFORE.

Page 82 - 83: I know the next scene is part of the MORPH into a music video, but the transition needs to be handled better. Can’t tell if ALL the following scenes are part of the IMAGINED MUSIC VIDEO or happening in the PRESENT.

Page 87: HUH?? Who is this woman? What is the point?
EXT. CONDO, PARKING LOT
Old Man watches Condo from pick-up. WOMAN, 50s, approaches.

WOMAN
You’re in my assigned parking space.

CHARACTER
Oh, I was waiting for somebody.

WOMAN
You’ll have to use the overflow lot
(pointing)
Down there.

He starts the car and drives away.

Page 90: Sheri and PADOWSKI are neighbors and she picks this particular time to ask for an autograph? Not buying it.

Page 92: All of the following:
EXT. JANSEN’S TAXI
Speeding to Padowski’s apartment from Joppa Road (West).

EXT. KILWOOD’S LIMOUSINE
Speeding to Padowski’s apartment from the Beltway (North).

EXT. LYNN’S MERCURY CAPRI
Speeding to Padowski’s apartment Perring Pkwy (South).

Too wordy. Simply say:
EXT. JANSEN’S TAXI
Speeding to Padowski’s apartment.

EXT. KILWOOD’S LIMOUSINE
Speeding to Padowski’s apartment.

EXT. LYNN’S MERCURY CAPRI
Speeding to Padowski’s apartment.

When seen on screen, nobody knows, cares or can tell from which direction these folks are traveling.

Page 101: what is the point of Boggs wearing that silver suit? What was its purpose? Besides, I thought he was coming through the back door, not the bedroom window.

Page 107: This makes my point about my issue with page 16. Cameron uses a computer at work to create his column, but a typewriter at home to write his book?

One man’s opinion – mileage may vary – batteries not included.

[churnage]

Mike,

Thanks for reading the script. Appreciate the notes. Will take a look at everything.

Greg

[mbarrett]

Downloaded. Not sure what help I can provide, given the notes from above. Thank you for sharing.

[mbarrett]

Okay here you go. I did not read the notes above so some of them may be similar.

P2 – Not sure about the description of Cameron. Paunchy and pasty? Possibly – Years were not kind to his midsection. He pushes his pudgy hand through his receding hair.

P5 – Cameron is transfixed? Is it because she reads his column? Or her beauty?

General Note – I’m assuming this is the eighties.

P10 – What is the book about?

P12 – What’s the point in the Padowski scene?

P28 – IKEA in the 80’s?

P30-32 – Is it a flashback when we see Jansen? If so – you need to spell it out. BEGIN FLASHBACK.

P32 – A mag and candy back in the 80’s would come to 4.57?

P35-36 – I’m thoroughly confused at Cameron and Kilwoods actions. I’m not getting it. Why does Kilwood play a tape then go back to the podium and say it’s all canceled? What the hell is Cameron doing (smashing a chair)?

P40 – Need Flashback indicator.

General Note – I’m not entirely sure 911 was around back then.

P105 – Padwoski – Was it all a dream? (I don’t like that. He should say something else.)

P108 – Cameron at the computer. I don’t buy it, especially if it’s the 80’s.

I’m not sure why he burns the tapes. What’s the point? The whole point of the story is the tapes and then they’re burned in the end? Maybe I’m missing the point.

The story flowed pretty well up until the flashbacks.

I have to admit that I had no idea what Kilwood did until later on in the story.

Overall Impressions –
I like it. Like I said before, put the flashbacks in the slug so that the reader understands or it will get confusing.

Flows nicely. Dialogue is good.

Need to verify factual things that were in the 80’s. IKEA, and Computers in office (I just started learning computer programming in high school in 89’, but what do I know.)

I really didn’t care that much for Cameron, only because I had no interest, but I did want to know more about Jansen. Jansen is critical to the story, but he’s vaguely given an avenue to take. For me, I need more. Like, why? Why play dead?

If Cameron was placid and paunchy with hell riding on his heels, why would Sonja want to bang him?

Well that’s all I have. Thanks for sharing. You can take the notes – chuck em’ or use em’. It’s up to you. Hopefully there is something in here that’s useful.

Thanks.
Mark

[churnage]

Mark,

Thanks for reading it. Appreciate the comments.

Greg