Mark,
Finished Tears for Lena yesterday, and I thought it was a great ride! As it stands, it's pretty solid. I actually really liked the minimal-dialogue setup, and contrary to what you said in your original post, I don't really think it would be an IMPOSSIBLE sell, just a difficult one (speaking as a firmly planted industry-OUTSIDER, of course). You should pitch it to composers as a way to showcase their work!
I particularly liked the way the text-message orders worked almost like title-cards in a silent film. Also, as I've said on at least two occasions already, I think you are VERY good at action writing, which is famously hard to do, and IMPERATIVE in a script like this one. It's also the quality that's going to make you succeed in this business long before the rest of us, because you can write the kind of scripts that make people MONEY.
As should be expected, I have a few notes. I know you've already drafted this guy several times (it reads much more polished than Plus Interest), but it's still MY first read of it, so I'll be focusing on story, concept, and character notes instead of proofreading. As always, if you didn't really want broadform notes and you want me to read it again for Englishy stuff, just ask and I'll be glad to.
First, I think it's a really interesting concept. I've kind of seen it before in a different scenario (the J.J. character in "No Ordinary Family", and Chuck in, well, "Chuck" come to mind), but I think it still mostly works. I would, however, like to see it used to better effect. When Tom "calculates" he generally ends up doing things that regular action stars do. I'd like to see him taking in more information and using his environment to better effect. For example, he could throw an empty gun at a window that shatters and stabs someone, or he could step on a loose board in the floor that topples a table over and propels a lamp into the air which he kicks and it konks someone in the head, or something. The things he was doing would be very difficult for me, but less difficult for, say, Stephen Seagal, who would do them WITHOUT THINKING, which is thoroughly more badass. What I'm saying, in a nutshell, is that unless there's a REALLY GOOD REASON for something like the "calculating" to be there, it reads as a gimmick. It could be a really good gimmick, so I recommend making sure there's a reason for it to be there.
You also have a flashback at one point in the script that shows Tom using his ability when he was much younger. This could also be a strength, but I recommend playing it for comedy.
A suggestion as to how this could be done:
Maybe you could expand it to a few flashbacks as Tom is learning math. For example: The first time, he's in Kindergarten and a bully is picking on him. Simple addition and subtraction pops into the air, but it comes up to the wrong answer, and he punches the bully in the face. The bully just looks meaner, Tom corrects his math and punches him again. This time the bully goes down.
Next time, he's a freshman in high school. He's trying to open his locker, but he can't get it open. A beautiful girl stands at the locker next to him, getting talked up by the quarterback at the next locker over. Tom goes back to his locker combination and numbers flash up into the air, this time difficult algebra. He punches his locker and the locker two down from his pops open, knocking out the quarterback. Tom turns and introduces himself to the girl.
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Character names: The character names in a screenplay are generally presented in the same form as they would be given to the potential audience once the script has become a movie. So, naming your characters Lena and Tom Steel is great, but since those names are never given in dialogue or presented to the MOVIE audience in any other way, they don't really exist, and just become confusing to a reader, not to mention someone who has just watched the movie and is trying to remember the name of a familiar character actor. I'd recommend checking out Walter Hill's script for The Driver, in which he just names characters after their functions. Main characters are named "Driver", "Detective" and "The Player" based on what they do in the story. Supporting characters are named after recognizable features: The guy with glasses is "Glasses", the guy with bad teeth is "Teeth", and the seventeen-year-old stripper is "Seventeen". If you can work out a system like this for your script, it'll make it an easier read and it'll seem less contrived.
Lena: Once Lena's backstory started coming out, I have to admit I was a little disappointed by it. I was really kind of sad that she was a spy. I feel like her death would have more resonance if she was a total innocent (who got involved in some bad juju and therefore had to be taken out). This would be really kind of difficult to pull off, I think, but it could be done. What if she was in a supporting role, like a counter clerk at a convenience store, or something, and she and Tom somehow connected (would require a beefier Act I, which would probably make your script stronger). She somehow struck a chord that made him want to live a normal life with her instead of being a super spy. Then he finds out she's tagged for a kill and he slowly uncovers why, and finds out she was set up to protect his higher-ups at the agency.
Dialogue: I think the moments where loud stuff happens over dialogue to preserve the no-dialogue thing seemed a little forced and made it feel gimmicky. If it was hard comedy you could probably get away with it, but I don't think it works in this setting. Also, in the few scenes where you use dialogue, it doesn't feel like it's really important. I think if you have a MOSTLY no-talkie, you should reserve the few lines for main characters in important or surprising situations, like in The Artist or even like Silent Bob in Mallrats. Also, if you're going to call the Italian police the Polizia, they should probably yell at him to stop in Italian. If they had just been called Police in the script, I probably wouldn't have noticed or cared.
Additional Note: There is one scene where Tom sets his alarm clock before going to bed. This is probably just a personal prejudice, but in my experience, BADASSES DO NOT NEED ALARM CLOCKS. They wake up because the collective ninja mind tells them to wake up. And it's never when they need to wake up, it's several hours early, when someone is sneaking in to try to kill them in their sleep.
So, anyway, this seems heavy, and some of these are HUGE notes that, if you decided to take them, would probably require a total re-write, BUT you're starting with strong enough material and enough talent that these re-writes (and a grammar polish) would put you in line with my novice idea of a real, professional, marketable screenplay.
AND REMEMBER: I've never actually seen a die-hard action movie buff walk out of a die-hard action movie and say, "It was good, but I wish there was more talking."
-Clay
