Feedback on a Comedy (rom-com) - trying again

[cd]

Trying again now that Im a member:

Love to have someone read my finished comedy and offer feedback. Happy to read others as well (especially comedy/rom-com).

Post your email and Ill send you a PDF (and my email if you want to send yours)

CD

[mscherer]

CD,

Thanks for joining. I wasn't trying to be a hard a**, just attempting to maintain the integrity of the board.

Thanks again and always...

Keep Writing!

[oz]

Hey cd. Log in and check your personal messages.

[clayjs]

CD,

I'd love to give it a read. Sent it to me at clayisnapping AT gmail DOT com.

Clay

[clayjs]

Thanks CD. Got your script. I'll get back to you in the next couple of days with notes.

Clay

[mbarrett]

Can you send me a copy?
Thanks.

barretmark AT gmail dot com

[clayjs]

CD,

Some reading notes for Materminated:

First, my general disclaimer: I'm a bit of a novice at all this. I'm still working on the first draft of my first feature script, but the beauty of a forum like this is that you get all types. I'm a film-enthusiast and occasionally -maker who is quickly becoming well-read in the craft of screenwriting, even if I'm not yet particularly well-written. My review style is a little unorthodox, which might be a little uncomfortable for some. I never write anything down the first time I read a script, so my initial response is generally focused on my first impression of whether your script is effective as a whole. Therefore, I'll be writing much more about my impressions of your characters, general structure, concept, and story than about grammar or the finer points of screenplay formatting. Also, comedy is not really my forte. I know if I think something is funny or when it falls flat, but I'm not really very well versed in the theory, and if I don't find something funny, I can't always say why. Because of this, I'll mostly be ignoring the humor and focusing on storytelling elements. Now that all that's out, please feel free to take any or every comment I make with a grain of salt.

Enough about me, let's talk about your script! I thought, as a whole, Materminated was strong and captivating. Your situations are interesting. Your concept is nothing short of genius. Your characters, especially Faith, have relatable flaws and appropriate depth. I really only have 3 gripes with the script, two major and one minor:

1) Structurally, the script is a little long and the plot feels a little bottom-heavy. I thumbed back through to confirm; your midpoint is on page 78 of 115, and your third act doesn't really start until after page 100, when your normal rom-com would already have ended. Act I is beautiful. It's long, but it brims with conflict, it's tense, and we get a real feel for the characters. But when it ends on (or about) page 34, we get a 45-page conflict drought. Faith is trying to lose her job, and everything's backfiring, but nothing is backfiring in a negative way. Despite the ticking clock that is her pregnancy, the general feeling is that everything that happens to her makes her life easier, and she doesn't have to work as hard to get there. Now, don't get me wrong, it's an amusing section, and it does what your script needs it to do, but there's no DRAMA in it. There are no stakes. There's no way for Faith to REALLY fail. I would recommend either making this section shorter, or adding stakes, or both. For example, maybe her father shows up at a function that she's set up to fail so she has to do something really embarrassing with him watching, since his opinion is so important to her.

2) Then, when the ax finally falls and Alex gets fired, the scene doesn't really have any drama, because all the reasons why it's an issue are given AFTER the fact. When it happens, sure, we kinda like Alex, but it's not the heartbreaking moment it seems like it wants to be. There's also a weird moment just after Faith gets fired where she wonders what will happen to Alex. I don't see any reason she should assume his job would be in danger, and it just softens the blow for the audience when he is actually fired. I'd ditch the wondering scene and work in Alex's character points before he's fired. Start building a stronger relationship between Faith and Alex early, bring up the son and the dead wife earlier. Then have Faith make a conscious decision to betray someone she CARES about rather than just someone who's attractive and nice to her. It'll give her more to regret and it'll mean more to Alex that she betrayed him. Granted, this is more stuff to add to the already heavy bottom of your script, so it just means that if you decide to take my advice, you'll have to be even more economical everywhere else. Comedy seems hard.

3) When the boots show up in Faith's closet at the end, I find that they're a little jarring and they give away too much about your twist. If Faith were to get them right after the original meeting, with a note saying "come work for us anytime", or something, the seed will have been planted, but the audience will have plenty of time to forget about it before the twist ending goes down.

Otherwise, as I said above, I really enjoyed it. Thanks for putting it out there for us to read. I hope I've been helpful. If you have any questions or if you want me to go into any more depth on what I've written here, or if you just want to tell me it's all bunk , post, message, or email me.

Clay

[mbarrett]

Still did not get a copy. Would love to read it.

[oz]

Sorry this took me so long, CD. I finally have some notes for you, though. My disclaimers: I don't read other comments until I post so as to not be influenced. I also take line notes as I read so that you have a point of reference when I comment on an issue. Because I do line notes, if there's something that is, in my opinion, a problem thoughout, I'll mention it throughout in my line notes if only to emphasize the glaring nature of it. And, finally, we're all learning as we go through this. I don't care if this is your first script or your twentieth. I'm going to be honest only to hopefully help, not to offend. I'm always open to helping in any way I can.

Okay, here we go ; )

Pg 1 -- "lonely lights burn", very nice
-- Love the confusing conversation & the Bluetooth reveal

Pg 2 -- Perhaps change "why main street hates wall street" because it dates your script. Let's say you queried tomorrow and, best case, someone buys it. You're two years out from this hitting the screens and you have no way of knowing what the main street vs wall street dialogue will be then. Any opportunity to avoid dating your work is encouraged.
-- You need more active writing throughout. Example: "Clarice disappointed at first, quickly realizes she now has the boys all to herself." This is so passive. How about: Clarice's disappointment fades; she has the boys all to herself.

Pg 3 -- Again with the passive writing. "Sallie is letting Kensler have it." How about: "Sallie screams. Kensler withers." The point is, you spend a lot of page space telling us what's happening rather than showing us how the characters are reacting to what's happening. It's the difference between novels and screenplays. This is a purely visual format.
-- Need to tell us Kensler is a man when you first introduce us. "40s and dumpy" doesn't tell us and then when in Faith's dialogue she says "him" it made me stop reading because I'd only seen women and assumed Kensler was a woman. It sounded more like an androgenous first name than a last name based upon the spelling of Sallie, etc. Never write in a way that makes the reader stop reading to figure something out.
-- Perhaps some of Faith's dialogue should either be cut or used in V.O. It reads rather awkward that she's saying SO MUCH to no one.

Pg 4 -- You need to show Sallie muting her phone before she drills Faith about the fund. You show us her unmuting the phone but no muting. I stopped reading because I thought, Why is she saying this with James on the speaker?
-- At Sallie's last dialogue, ...why...are YOU babbling...

Pg 5 -- Really need to cut all the novelistic writing. Example: Faith has long since learned... You can't see this. You can't see what she learned. Rewrite and trust that through her actions and dialogue we'll learn this about her.
-- Watch the parentheticals. The actors will play it based upon the situation and the director, not what you put in parentheticals. Only use them when they're really needed.

Pg 6 -- Yuppie's wet dream---very nice. And because it's such a great descriptive phrase, you don't even need the rest. Apple store is certainly pointless. The reader will see what they want based upon that first, great line. It tells us everything.
-- Same with all the Apple products mentioned by name. Unless Apple products play a distinct and important role in the script (and they don't), stay generic. Your reader may be a Blackberry snob and won't like it.
-- No need to have (filtered through machine) That's when you put (FILTERED) next to the name.
-- Perhaps when she walks in she sees a dust line where Stefan removed something--a quick foreshadowing. Things like that get picked up on by the audience and it makes them feel smart when they think they see something coming and they're right.

Pg 7 -- Heavenly bed? I have no idea what a heavenly bed is. You made me stop reading and that's BAD.
-- Again with the Apple gear. Use laptop.

Pg 9 -- and throughout the script, no apostrophe for ages. 30s, 40s.
-- You describe Lara as "surprisingly tall". This made me stop reading, too. It gave me the visual of a 7ft woman and I wondered immediately why that would be relevant to the story. It's not.
-- Unless what they're drinking defines them or matters in the story, just leave it at drinks. You waste a lot of pages on insignifcant details that don't move your story forward (or in any direction) and make the reader stop reading to decide how they feel about them.

Pg 11 -- Parentheticals really out of control. Example: (getting out of the booth) This is an action line, not a parenthetical.
-- Would MOVERS really know this info or are they perhaps internal movers? Could identify them as the eager interns who want to appear important.

Pg 12 -- ...bar appears (not appeared) and does it appear in place of the converence TABLE?
-- Really need to tighten up the passive writing. Example: She begins to work at her computer as the model massages her neck. He then begins to polish her Manager Director plaque. How about: A model massages her neck as she works. She looks up; he polishes her plaque. There are many ways you can do this here because of the dream sequence but your words need to be active. Get rid of all the 'begins' 'starts to' all words ending in 'ing', etc.
-- The assistant's dialogue here and throughout the script. He is ready---make it He's ready. People talk more active than this. And you can usually dump all the 'that's in dialogue, too.
-- At....deep breath and enters. Drop "she can't wait.

Pg 13 -- How about having Pfieffer discreatly press a button under his desk that closes the door behind her. It creates an intimidation factor that we then watch her fight. It's small things like that which will show us who she really is and who she's really up against.
-- "Faith's world shatters.." This is SO novelistic. Show us what she does when she suffers rather than trying to explain that she suffers. It's impossible to show her heart being ripped out unless you actually have some creature walk up and tear her heart out of her chest.

Pg 14 -- Pfeiffer wouldn't say "last thing I wanted to do was hurt you" You need to make sure that all of your characters are true to their voice. This guys ruthless and uber-professional. This line makes him sound like a elementary teacher.

Pg 15 -- Rather than Faith declaring "...I'm your best sales person..." use the jargon to your benefit to make her more realistic. How about: "I'm top five every month in sales. For five years. Margins? Top three. And that's consistent. Take the hacks off the lists who score an occasional elephant and I'm number one every month in sales and margins for five, fucking years."
-- Again with her in the closet, you're describing not showing.
-- No need for (into cell).
-- The conversation ends rather abruptly. Seems awkward.

Pg 21 -- Again--no need for the parenthetical (sotto).
-- You go from Faith dropping her head to her desk and then Clarice sees her gargling? This made me stop reading. May want to rewrite that.

Pg 22 -- I'd drop (into phone) (into cell) everywhere in the script. If you show us what's happening, like he/she dials the phone, we know they're talking on the phone.

Pg 24 -- You need a thorough edit of the whole script regarding commas. Here, ...seems simple, cupcake.
-- I wouldn't have her break down here. Tears evoke sympathy. We're laughing at her right now. If she's a crier, she has to be crying at everything---that's also funny. But if she's a tough broad who only cries when it's rock bottom, don't let her cry until it's rock bottom for us, too.
-- And again you're descrbing her every emotion and, I suppose, thought. Doesn't work for a script. Show it. The reader/audience is smart enough to understand the emotion/thought when you write the action/dialogue well.
-- Is there a maternity section at B&N or would it just be Parenting?

Pg 26 -- The 'switch to (in her own voice)' isn't necessary. Trust the actors & director will do their job.
-- The comma at ...upscale restaurant.. isn't needed.
-- Way too many passive verbs----thrilled, chaperoning, checking.....

Pg 33 -- Tighten up your writing & Faiths plan will be at the end of Act I where it belongs.

Pg 39 -- You don't need this scene with the guys secretary.

Pg 41 -- Lara's dialogue is (FILTERED) not (O.S.) If we can see Faith (into cell) isn't necessary. You already showed us that she was on the phone.

Pg 43 -- At Fitzgerald's line....So, Faith...He's obviously talking to Faith so why the parenthetical?

Pg 44 -- Repeating myself, but TOO NOVELISTIC THROUGHOUT. Example: "...at one point this would have made Faith..." There is no way you can possibly show us that point so there is no point in telling us about it.

Pg 48 -- Old man's line doesn't work for me at all. You can do better.

Pg 50 -- I wouldn't have Clarice spell out what just happened. The reader/audience is smart enough. Doing this insults them/us. Pulling us by the nose makes us think you're not clever.

Pg 51 -- Shrink is Oldest Man Alive---wonderful ; )

Pg 55 -- The Tyler Durden reference risks taking the reader out. I had to stop reading to look it up. And I know the movie. A reference like that only works if you've led the reader to that with similar references and even that can be tricky. You risk a lot by referencing other movies, especially when you reference several and your script isn't about a movie buff.

Pg 60 -- Clarice's erotic moment sounds like a man. Women talk vulgar differently than men do. It's still vulgar and shocking, but it's completely different. You may need to research this a bit because this bit of dialogue doesn't ring true at all. It sounds like what a man would WANT a woman's vulgarity to sound like but it isn't.
-- This is all a little too close to How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. There's nothing wrong with you using the same concept but too much of this is starting to feel exactly like it. Your similar but different needs more different.

Pg 70 -- You tell us the girls see a heated disagreement and then you tell us again that they're having a heated disagreement. No need. Just go into the action/dialogue because we already know this.

Pg 80 -- I think you have too much of a good thing with Clarice and her vulgarity. It's cute, don't get me wrong, but her lines start losing impact and strength when that's all she ever says.

Pg 87 -- ...emotion finding an escape... You're explaining again when your line ... turns into hysterics... already told us what we need.

Pg 96 -- His hand gets caught on her belly? I don't even understand how that could happen and it made me stop reading. To me, I envisioined a square pregnant belly. No good. Might want to rewrite that.

Pg 98 - Alex's line....you're not Will's age... doesn't work. How about: You're not a child....OR You're not a four year-old.

Pg 101 -- I wouldn't go into so much detail after the boots. Her recalling every bit of the San Antonio boys reveals your ending and that ruins it for everyone. No one wants to know how a movie's going to end 15 to 20 minutes before it does.

Pg 105 -- She says she's going to name HIM after her mother....change.

Overall, I thought it was a good story if not a little too much like How to Lose a Guy. I'd work on the similar but different details. My big problems weren't with structure or the overall story as much as the need to clean up the writing. I stopped reading so many times that I lost interest and didn't care anymore. That's not good. Tighten up the dialogue so it's authentic to everyone but not so cumbersome (Clarice) that the character becomes a caricature. And force yourself to stop the novelistic writing. Occasionally painting a picture for the reader is fine but when you try to capture emotions, thoughts, character traits other than physical ones, you lose the sharpness that is a screenplay. The reader doesn't care about the character's emotions or thoughts or wants or desires unless you create that want through the story.

Give it a good overhaul and post it again. I know you can do this because you already have a good spine and that's typically the toughest element of a script to nail. Go through it scene by scene, line by line. Get rid of all that stuff you don't need and tighten up the passive writing and you'll have a solid 90 pages and a marketable script. Good luck and let me know if I can help in any way.

PS=Don't be afraid to post the script on this board. If it's registered, you probably have more protection posting it here where there is a record of the script being read than by sending it out. Just my opinion but this board is for learning and being afraid is something you have to learn to get over. I'd say the only exception would be if this is something so new and different (like Wall-E) that's never been seen before. The majority of scripts, though, are similar but different. Some are very different and that's what makes them gems but 'so new and different' is rare. And until you accept that, the moment you see a script similar to How to Lose a Guy that has any character involved in finance, you'll convince yourself that you were ripped off when, in all actuality, someone just wrote it before you did. It has happened to me and to most writers. Just keep writing, keep learning, keep improving and keep selling.

[oz]

It's me again. I'd like to apologize to everyone for my rushed typing on that critique. I read it and had to stop counting all the errors out of embarrassment! Please excuse the mess--especially when I mentioned all the errors regarding commas! ; )